Another day off, another day trying to figure out what to do.

I like being here by myself, but the only way to do it is to have a lot of other distractions. I don’t want anyone home for a long time. I need this, sometimes. No school, no work. It’s funny that I can sleep till 1:00 on school & work days, but I wake up 7:30 on these days. I guess I’m looking forward to the day more.

I don’t even know what to write. I’ve pretty much exhausted my seemingly petty problems in the 30 or so pages. Now I’m just worried about the outcome. I hope the marking period’s not over. I live for 4A and B. W/out it, I can’t think of a reason to stay there. Why do I want to be with them? What if they keep me outcast from those conversations? What will I look like? Does it matter? Am I going to be the only one w/out a member of the opposite sex there?

I don’t know if Rutgers is the college for me. If it’s so huge how am I supposed to have any personal relationships? I’ll join the concert team if there is one. That’s important. I don’t want to do anything w/ sports or school spirit because that’s not me. We’re all individuals but stress on groups and popularity. They need millions of people. It might be a little scary, but I kind of like that.

Should I detatch and let fly? Or stick a little bit and slowly let go? I don’t know, and that sucks.

I’m not her because she does what she does and I have to find out what I like. I’m not Dan or Natascha or anyone else. I’m Brian and I have my own course to set.

I wonder if Mary or Alicia are doing anything while we have a snow day. It seems I expect a call from them for some reason. Stupid notion. I can’t let it go. I keep thinking that night will change everything. I shouldn’t lay everything down for then, because after that, all their friends aren’t gonna be gone at one particular time guaranteed. I do love the fact that Alicia tells me pretty much everything knowing I won’t judge her. But am I just a human she uses to vent to or is it that she confides in me to the point that she’ll tell me so she can get my opinion.

I should give her the impression that she doesn’t need Dan for huge decisions like college. I should say to use your own head, don’t let Dan make that decision based on what he believes.