I have to change lunches.

I can’t take it, it’ll be way too awkward sitting there with James after ignoring him for 2 years. He’s just so full of hate & pent up rage that I can’t stand being near him.

“Kill the vegetarians”

Why would any human say something like that? He wasn’t trying to be funny either…that was just too weird. Then when he started drinking, things got really out of hand. I’ll never forget that night. Him puking his guts out all over the floor & acting like a fucking ass. Why would anyone want to do that? I had to clean his fucking puke off the floor before his parents got home and I sobered up real fast. I had just realized how stupid I was. If you’re not enjoying yourself, why the hell should you continue to do it? I like to hold normal conversations w/ people, not just get drunk and act like jack asses. I don’t know what possesses people to do that.

But back to James, I can’t stand being in a lunch w/ him and Brian. I have to switch to Curtis’ lunch. If I just start going and say I thought it was mine, then Smith is gonna get suspicious. If I go to guidance and they say no, then I’m completely screwed.

I’m gonna have to risk it and ask though. I have no other choice. When Franklin asks why, though, that’s gonna be where I’m stuck. Now, I don’t mind being alone, I’m well used to it. But being in a situation like that, that’s just too weird. Im gonna have to play on his emotions. I’ll have to show him that reason. Maybe he’ll understand. He’s got to. If he says no, I don’t know what I’m going to do.

I can’t just look for someone else to sit with, cuz then I’d be slighting Brian. But if I do sit there, it will just be way too weird and I wouldn’t enjoy myself at all.

Worse comes to worse, I find my own table far away from James and Brian and sit there with Smith. It’s the only thing I can do. I also feel bad about leaving Smith there by himself, but at least he doesn’t have any kind of history with them, he’ll just feel a little uncomfortable but he can eventually find a way to cope. I can’t, because if I sat there I wouldn’t be able to talk, it would just be horrible. I can’t…have to either switch lunches or sit far, far away from wherever they sit.

I’ll explain it to Brian. I have to find out where he sits then tell him I can’t sit next to him simly because it’ll be really awkward since I haven’t spoken to James in 2 years. Brian will understand. And if he doesn’t than I’m sorry. I’m not suffering on account of him. I just refuse to do it. I must sit away from him. I’ll tell him first so I don’t hurt his feelings, but James has no feelings. He’s fucking black-hearted. I’ll be able to get through this but with James, Brian, Smith, it makes it extremely difficult. Thank God Smith does what I say. Otherwise it could get really hard. Oh well, that’s in 2 days, I want to make these days really count with Alicia.

I want to leave an impact so she thinks of me. I already get the feeling she does. That makes me happy. I’m all about that. What people truly think of me. Not just what they say to me or even to their friends. I like to figure people out. I like to try to think what they’re thinking & what they think of me. I don’t go by what they say or how they act. Well, I guess I do… Its everything they do. I put it all together & get my best idea of what they think of me. And usually I tend to try and make them like me by adjusting my personality. Just tweaking it a little. I like to do that and it seems to work. I’m still me though… just different ways of expressing it I guess.