I haven’t written in this thing forever.

Not that my life has worked out and everything’s perfect, but I have been so exhausted & busy breaking out of hell rut.

I still censor and cower when I know I should be out there and have no regard. But, I’ve found a middle ground and it’s ok for now.

Well, I was over her and now I’m back into it more than ever. Fucking Amy’s calling me tonight, it’s probably because I was leading her on. I want her to get the message clearly:

I DON’T WANT TO GO OUT WITH YOU BUT I WILL TALK OT YOU IF YOU NEED TO.

I think she thinks I may have an interest, but I am so turned off by her now that it isn’t funny. And what the fuck are we going to talk about? Oh, well. We’ll get it over with, but I want to stress that I don’t want to go out w/ her.

But whatever.

I do wand to go out with Mary, however. She is so fun to be with and it completely kills me to see her in Courtney’s arms. My wish is that she saw me for me & loved it. (or at least liked it more than Courtney). It hurts so much that I couldn’t even look over to them at the diner. Why can’t Courtney just find someone—anyone—else, Maryann, Dana, anyone. I wish he could just go with them and let me and Mary be together. Why do I always end up liking someone so much more after they end up w/ someone? WHY?

Is it that I’m not sure if they live up to my standards so I rate them from other relationships? I think that’s it. When a girl is single, I don’t feel much towards them.

But anyway, I really like Mary for Mary now. Not because she’s part of some subculture that I wish I were in. It’s not that at all. I wish they would break up (on good terms, if possible) & I could be with her. I just want to call her sometime because we have so much fun when we go out. I’m just rambling now, this is no philosophy or standpoint yet, it’s just my random thoughts. What came out of me before was perfect: “put a fucking knife in my heart, put a fucking gun to my head, put your fucking boot to my balls”

She might as well.

But I don’t want to feel resentment towards her because I know if I do that it will show up in my personality towards her.

If anything, I should be happy that she even talks to my sorry ass. But I don’t know exactly what to do. I guess I’ll continue to talk w/ her when given the opportunity because that’s the only way she’ll ever get to know me.