“It’s been another bad day” – Samiam

That best sums up my life in the past few days. I come home feeling depressed and very easily agitated. Couple that w/ the fact that I have to work 5-10 and I’m just set off, everything in my life is crashing down on me.

Alicia seems to resent me, Mary sees me as a convenience, and all my friends are completely phony. I don’t know what I did wrong. It’s probably not my fault, just the fact that life had to screw me over and spit on me while I was down there in pain.

Does Alicia know how much it hurts me to go from being the topics of her conversation to being completely forgotten by her? It absolutely kills me. I continue to think what I did wrong, but I can’t think of anything.

I don’t know.

Me & Mary are getting along, but I’m just an aquaintance now, I think. At least, that’s what I’m prepared for in my most negative of scenarios.

Meanwhile Courtney gets her and yet I see him with 4 or 5 other girls on a daily basis. It actually makes me happy to see that, though. It gives me hope that maybe he’ll find happiness w/ another girl or Mary will resent his behavior. That’s what I wish would happen. But now, I’m kind of on the outside because Alicia and I aren’t as close as we once were. And I can’t say it enough how much that hurts me.

Oh, well, back to life as usual. Going to Shop Rite and hating nearly every minute there, just hoping 10:00 will roll around so I can go home and wait until 6:00 to wake up & go to school & wait until 2:23 so I can go home w/ nothing to do, hoping someone will call or ask me to do something and if not, I’ll sit and feel sorry for myself and be pissed that I have to work the next morning.

WHEN DO I START ENJOYING MY LIFE?

I’m hoping that if not now, then it’ll be soon. Like next year. But who knows? Who?

I wish I could know and get what makes me happy. I have an ideal idea. Me and Mary feeling very equal to each other & having fun doing anything. Hanging out w/ Dan and Alicia and, it saddens me to say it, but feeling superior when together than others. I would never show that off or flaunt it, but just having that feeling would satisfy me. Also, not having a job, but doing random things with my friends for money and having fun doing it. Just eeking out enough as to not put a strain on me, but allowing me to keep my car, and, essentially, my freedom. And all the while, my other friends remain friends, yet don’t hound me w/ things needed to be done.

Wow, that would be the life. And it’s not so far-fetched. I just need a couple things to work in my favor. Courtney needs to go out w/ Maryann or someone else, and Alicia or Mary need to ask me to hang out w/ them. I can take it from there. That would be so sweet.