So its Saturday night

...and Im sitting at home just like I did on Friday. Its not that I cant get someone to hang out with. Amy would do it in a second. She’s already asked me to go bowling with her restaurant friends next Friday. That will be fun if I even go at all. I want to really hang out with Mary, Alicia, and Dan but I cant really be me then, can I?

For being such a “nice guy”, Dan really judges people a lot. Mary asks me to hang out with her and Alicia & Dan on prom night since we’re not going. “I’ve got nothing better to do”

I didn’t mean for it to sound like it was so terrible that if I had something better to do I would do that instead. No, Imeant it to show honesty and tell her that in my life I truly have NOTHING better to do than to hang out with them.

-It was meant to be a compliment tot hem and a way of showing her that I can be spontaneous. I don’t even know my chances of going anymore. It was never mentioned after that. My stupid comment was the last thing that was said. I don’t even know if this is her way of saying she likes me or if she just feels sorry for me. I tend to think the latter since I’m EXTREMELY negative. Well at least she’s not going out with that friggin D.J. anymore. Fucking psycho.

But she’s got guys lined up since she broke up with Chris. Lets do the list: Right away it was D.J. Alicia would tell me about this. Also Courtney, who she had a “make out session” (thanks Alicia) with before going with D.J. Then Alicia and Dan are trying to set her up with Dave O’Callahan. A punk frined of Dan’s she met at a show. They went so far as to track down where he lives, find his phone # and basically stalk him for Mary. I don’t even know if Mary knows about this.

Anyway, back to the prom night situation. Do I give the “puppy dog” reaction and ask if we’re still hanging out that night? It’ll show I have interest. But it might make me look desperate. Fuck. I hate these fucking mind games. Should I ask Alicia? If Mary told her she liked me it definitely would have been out in the open because Alicia has a big mouth. She told Mr. Nadge about the whole situation which made me feel about as important to her life as him. [sketch of a stick figure getting crushed by a sneaker]

So, I don’t know what to do…Well I guess Ill mention it to her. So what if I sound desperate. I AM DESPERATE So why should I hide it? I’d probably feel a lot better and easier to talk to if I expressed my real feelings instead of what I’m SUPPOSED to be feeling.

Another thing—my hair.

“I like your haircut”

No..wait—

“You got a haircut”
“Yeah” (…)
“I guess you don’t like it by your expression”
“No it’s not that, it’s just I have this self-confidence problem”
“Oh, ok” (nervous smile)
“Haha, STOP LOOKING AT ME!”

Wow, I’m a master conversationalist.

So—Chris, D.J., Courtney, Dave O’Callahan, me.

Chris will be at prom, so will Courtney, DJ is done.

Comes down to me and a punk. I never claimed to be a punk. I listen to the music, and believe in a lot of their values, but I just cant stereotype myself in a one-dimensional type like that. Im sure that D O’C has everything going for him. Plus Dan wont have to have a new friend. They can all hang out and make people like me seem like outcasts just because of my introverted personality. Now, Im sure they’re not consciously trying to do this, but if it doesn’t work out, Im gonna feel that way nonetheless.

Oh, well… I don’t know how much more I can give to this topic because I needed to get it on paper and now it is. I guess I’ll say something just to show interest and also to get an answer and hopefully it’ll be “of course”