That retrogression site

means a hell of a lot to me. It opens up my mind to ideas that I’ve always thought of in the back of my mind, yet never questioned. It always takes someone else to get me into anything.

Just thinking about all of my interests and things I enjoy in life. These are all from other people. I just wonder if everyone else is like that. Do people always think for themselves and like their own things? Or is it all based on influence and convincing others?

With this open mind, though, I’m happier and easier to get along with. I’m pretty strict in my views, but I can talk with most people in the life I lead with an open mind.

I’m just thinking of people at Shop Rite which shows just how many people there really are in this world. There’s just so many different personalities and each with their own values that it makes me feel like I’m on the outside for some reason. Everyone has their own backgrounds and sets of values, but I don’t seem to fit. I can fit easily, but I don’t think anyone really does.

It all is in the head of these people. Just like a good buzz as described to me by Bill. If you think you’re not high, then you’re not. Which I guess in a way is parallel to if you think you’re an outsider, you are. So, in turn, everyone is part yet everyone is separate. We all lead lives which most people can consider phony and “from pt. A to pt. B” but its how we live and we all look for the same things.

So I’m beginning to think (I won’t use the term “realize”) that there’s not a certain way to live or act in any situation. There’s not just one door leading to the future. There’s a million ways to react. Can’t think “what would he/she do”.

Judge—use common sense—justify—act. It’s that simple.

And in awkward moments, laugh and try to talk and exchange ideas or learn from them, gain knowledge & share it. Get in deep conversations w/ people, let them have an open mind. Breathe.

“I’ll try and do it”, no. That’s not what I’m thinking. It’s out of boredom & not wanting to work for Patricia.

Where did that come from? I’ll tell you. Always the biggest problem stands out in my mind. What I HATE to think about and what I don’t want to think about. Right now, it’s James, work, Patricia, and a little Mary and what do I do with this family & her.

Since that’s what’s on my mind, that’s what I write about. I feel different since I can’t feel like I’m not the one who’s wrong all the time. Sometimes, but I always feel at fault for things when I’m in trouble. When I think “maybe it’s my fault, how can I stand up for myself if I might be wrong?” I should think, it doesn’t feel right—and weigh both options.

Why is my employer wrong to act phony to me then go talk behind my back? Why cant I hold a decent conversation with her knowing she thinks of me as a poor-man’s Eric and not a separate entity and personality altogether?

She sees a different side when interacting with others of a closer age to me. It is because I’m courteous to her, yet semi-uninhibited with them that she thinks of me as phony. And that may be my fault! But I have to weigh my options again. Is it me to be rude to my boss, & possibly get fired? No. So from the beginning I was very passively nice and courteous to her while she expressed the same to me. So in a way we both did the same thing to each other. So why is it my fault? Why not hers? And can I—just like that—change my personality? No, not until hers is changed.

I tend to sort of emulate who it is I’m with. And that’s why I feel uncomfortable when 2 different people I know are talking with me. Who do I emulate? Don’t emulate anyone, just be yourself. Oh, that would be easy IF I KNEW WHO I WAS!

But I really haven’t quite figured it out. So I’ll go on and be me to the best of my ability and see where it gets me.