Today I left school feeling completely depressed and sort of pissed off.

I know that most of the reason was because of Mary and Courtney. Every time I hear them talk about her being over or him being at her house I just feel depression and rage in me. I know she likes me more. I just know it. I can’t help but feel that if he hadn’t jumped on it so quickly, she would still be very much free and we could kind of discover each other.

All these distractions in my head. I want to focus, but this book isn’t about focusing, it’s about whatever I’m thinking of or seeing at any given time. It just goes through my head out on paper.

The thing that keeps me happy but also confused is that she wont say she’s “going out” with him. Yet, she spends every waking moment outside of school and tech at his house or with him. It gives me a tiny window of hope but also hurts me because if we ever went out there would be a lot of tension between me & Courtney.

The question is do I value our “friendship” over feeling fulfilled and happy with my life outside of school? Would I let a social more get in the way of possibly finding happiness with someone that I share a hell of a lot in common with?

Sadly, the answer is yes, although I strive to turn that around.

It filled me with complete rage to hear of them hanging out. While Courtney is a little better for her than some other people, I still feel that she would be happyest with an open-minded, yet valued individual like myself. Now I know that sounds completely self-absorbed but I want it to be true so badly that maybe it is.

Who knows?

Alicia seems to be completely clueless but I’m thinking Courtney might be onto me. And I hope Mary sees something in me that she could just dwell in for a little while & maybe realize it.

But today sucked altogether. Failing the anatomy quiz because Scroot was having a bad day. He puts the overhead backwards & asks us ?’s not on the wk sht, but that he once mentioned in class. Makes me feel lazy and uneducated. Dickhead, that started the day off.

Then another tension filled day in Espanol w/ Mary. Had a decent conversation that was very shallow but did kill time. Want to have a meaningful conversation where she can learn of my values and what I believe in, but I don’t know exactly how to initiate it.

Then, English & gym, less tension, then study hall—boredom: then lunch—not awkwardness, but relaxed and thinking about going and being w/ other people. Then MEDIA. Listening to stupid kids talk about things but yet feeling compelled to listen.

Then Calc. Bad day revisited. Alicia wants to remain talking like that, but she now talks to Courtney a lot more. It hurts me when she does. I turn to talk to them but wish it was just me & Alicia together like it was back in MP’s 1&2. She’s most likely forgotten about me by the time she sees me in Calc. Then, I can’t figure her out during the period. There’s hardly a feeling worse than when I say something to her & get absolute silence back at me. Or “mmmm”. I just got full of rage then, too.

Come to think of it, I was pretty easily set off on a number of occasions today.