Immediately?
Or is it the way I act that gets them to think that I don’t have any possible interest in them aside from being friends?
I really don’t understand life. And I don’t know if I ever will.
It’s all about confidence. Going out and saying I’m right and I’m better. Or showing it. There’s a million ways to show it. But I really don’t know how.
The Courtneys have got Mary preoccupied. They’re in their own pissing contest over her and she’s loving every second. Meanwhile, there I sit on the sidelines watching. Scared to go in, but trying my hardest whenever the opportunity arises.
Alicia and Courtney talk about it so openly while I sit and wonder, all the while serving up a phony smile and some empty conversation. I could say “I don’t care” and even act like I don’t but I refuse to lie to myself. I know and I repeatedly say that I am not satisfied with life. It’s what drives me in everything I do.
And if I can find someone, anyone, to give me that feeling, then that’s what my life becomes. It’s whole meaning is to get that feeling of satisfaction and living life to the absolute fullest. That’s what every thought in my head and every word in this book is ultimately after.
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