ONE FUCKING HAIRCUT

I was fucking butchered today. I have no bangs & my hair is a strawberry fucking blonde. In the back, it's buzzed to shit. This is the worst I've looked in the longest time. This sucks. I cant take chances anymore. I don't want to go to school because all of my friends are now going to laugh at me or talk behind my back. I have no self-confidence whatsoever. And in a world where everyone focuses on the negative aspects, I'm fucking screwed.

I hate this.

Mom says it's the best haircut I've had in a long time. She loves it. Well, she has to be making that up. Everything else pales in comparison to what I'm feeling right now. All the confidence in the world won't make me feel any better about myself. I look like a fucking loser. Worse than anyone I can think of right now.

I will NEVER go to that barber again and NEVER use that ultra blue again.

FUCK.

I FUCKING HATE THIS.

Mary, Alicia, Smith, Gary, Paul, Alicia's brother, Brianna, Shop Rite staff, all will laugh at me or at least lose interest in me completely. It's all about looks. That comes first. And now I'm completely fucked in that regard. If only my bangs were longer, it wouldn't be TOO bad, but I hate it. It's fucking CLEAR.

I look rediulous. Next time, I'm going to a dark red or something. My head is bright yellow. I hate it. And I didn't mention—

Uncle Tony, Mike, Antonio, Aunt Karen, Grama, Natascha, Curt, Schrone, other teachers, "popular" kids, other girls.

I have to do a calculus test and study for Anatomy but I can't concentrate. Instead, I have to look at me and my hair and wonder what is wrong with it and what will people think of me.

Will they take me seriously?

Will Alicia be embarrassed to be with me? Or everyone else mentioned?

FUCK

I hate this. I'm seriously considering skipping school or asking mom to take me to Craig and have him fix it.

It's just that I look too preppy. I'm a Bob Hampton but w/ lighter hair which makes me even more pussy looking. This fucking sucks.

I have to go in and pretend like I love it. Like it came out just as I had planned. I can't back down. I have to be MORE aggressive. I have to stand up to them and show them that I don't care about my appearance. But how do I do that? I obviously do if I got a cut and bleached it. Ok, then show everyone that I'm satisfied with my appearance. I love it, right? I have to go into school and be a bad kid and show no remorse and not give my hair a second thought. And I know Nerstrom is going to make a fucking scene and all eyes will be focused on my head.

That's when I have to thrive. I have to go and not show any insecurity in front of Alicia and Courtney.

I have to be so strong. Laugh with him. No, laugh at him. And don't put pressure on them to measure your self-confidence. NEVER ask "do you like it?". Instead, say "yeah I used so much bleach, but whatever, I don't care" and fucking MEAN IT.

When Nerstrom asks "what do you use?" say "I used this stuff, ultra blue, it blondes hair a lot." or something. But show you DO like it and don't care what anyone thinks. You can always cry at home. Don't let it affect your social life in any way.

Go with the same confidence. The same cockiness. Don't change your way of living AT ALL. Be exactly the same, or better. Let it roll off your back. Show that you don't need their approval. When George says "oh my God", just say "fuck you!" with a huge smile on your face and move on.

One great thing about this problem--it's temporary. In 2 weeks or so, all will be well again. And after putting on a shirt with regular clothes, it may not be ALL THAT BAD.

I just want to block it out and not think about it at all. Damn, is this book powerful. There I was, nearly on the verge of tears, and I get out my frustration and map out my plan and all of a sudden, I'm back to normal. Sure, I'm a little insecure, but it's nothing like what I was feeling a mere hour ago. I'll just wear my hat to the punk show. Or to home. I don't care and I love it. That's the plan. And may even start to believe it myself.