What is on my mind?

The only reason I think about work is because I don’t want them to win and I want to use it as a reference. But that doesn’t really matter.

Starting this E-Zine was a good idea, I think. But I’m not really sure. Maybe I can talk w/ Nate or Phil and get together on a real zine. I’m proud of my work on the rant page, from my picture to my commentary to my dialogue. I think it’s pretty damn good. But I may have to dumb it down a little before I go public with it or print it. There’s parts where even I get lost reading it.

But whatever.

I guess I’m not going to TCNJ on Friday. Eric’s not going and I don’t know if I can even get out of school. So that’s the end of that. Also, I don’t know what’s going on with the Against All Authority show. I have orientation at 9 AM but don’t know how long it’ll take. I’m sure I’ll be back before 8 PM, though, so I can still go to that.

I’m gonna act like an ass around Hendrickson and hopefully he’ll give me another ultimatum. But this time, I’m the fuck out of that backwards-ass place. What else, oh—Josh and college. Being sXe, it might be kinda hard, but I’m sure I’ll find some friends anyway. Whatever, Josh isn’t the type to ostracize for not drinking. And if he is, then fuck him, he’s just like the others. I doubt it though. Well, I’m gonna go to sleep for school tomorrow.

Where I’ll have a Physiology quiz, a Spanish quiz, and need to have hw done for calc. Yaay! Another great day.

……….

Gaah, I still can’t sleep.

I’m just thinking of work and how I should act and how I could quit. I’m gonna go in on Saturday and say to Hendrickson, “Hi Mr. Hendrickson”, “have you calmed down a bit?” and he’s gonna want to work me like a fucking dog. It’ll be bitter revenge against an 18 year old kid. Now, that’s insecurity. He’s so insecure that an 18 yr old part-timer who’s still in high school can offend him and hurt his ego. He thinks that I have an attitude. He thinks that I’m being an asshole and I’m trying to prove myself by acting like a tough guy around him. And his pride will not let that happen. From his perspective, I’m the scumbag and I’m trying to pick a fight. From mine, I’m just doing this to defend myself and not let the asshole (him) break my spirits. And I’m gonna show him that.

I just have to go in expecting a lot of work and continuous check-ups on Saturday. I’ll tell Welker to walk with me while I work. I’ll explain to him the situation.

The absolute worst that could happen is him simply telling me what to do and not ever mentioning Sunday. He’s probably played it out a million times in his mind just as I did, so we’ll certainly both have it fresh in our minds. Just the fact that this is keeping me up makes me question if it was even worth doing. But I do not regret it. Something had to be said, and God knows no one else has the balls to say it, so I did, and if I’m all alone on this, then so be it. But I’m a little scared for some reason, which sucks. I mean, I fucked with the one man no one in the store fucks with. And I’m letting his intimidation get to me.

I CAN’T LET THAT HAPPEN.

It’s damn near impossible to get that guy thinking my way, so my next best possibility is to simply get a mutual respect. Not friendship, but respect.

That, or maybe I’ll quit.

New jobs:
-Suncoast
-Kohl’s
-Sub Shack

The thing is, if I give 2 weeks, how could they be any worse than the hell I’m going through now? They can’t, and at least then, I could be free. Oh, how sweet that’ll be.