I hate it when I get this fucking feeling

The feeling that I don’t have any real great friends or memories when comparing them to my sister or her friends or even to Mary or Alicia or anybody that has a lot of shit to look back on. I look back and I see some of the worst years of my life.

Trying to fit in in one way or another for the longest time and finally just basically giving up and looking to the future. I can’t fucking wait to go out and be on my own. I’ll have my OWN life and maybe then, I can finally find some true friends.

Just looking at her pictures, it made me realize I don’t have any real “picture worthy” friends. And I hate saying it. So what kind of fucking friend am I looking for? A punk? Someone popular, yet friendly? I really don’t know, and I’m sick of it.

Whatever—I’ll cope on my own. I DO have friends, and Ill be able to have a good summer with them.

But what about girls?

Mary’s done. She’s with Courtney FOR GOOD. And I didn’t think it would happen. But of course, it did. So that ended all my hopes for a half of a fucking year. I’m just thinking of the girls that really fucked me up—and their respective steadies.

First was Becky. Back in sophomore, then junior, then to last summer. Plagued me, but her and Brian stay together the whole time.

No big deal, I’ve already found Alicia. Oh, you have a boyfriend. Oh, it’s Dan T. Oh, you’re gonna marry him, that’s great.
What’s that? Mary, your best friend just broke up with Chris? Hmmm… [weird couple months]…oh, good, I’m glad Mary’s found happiness with Courtney. Don’t worry I’ll just sit and hear about you 4 having the times of your lives. I’ll just smile and watch while you look in my eyes and move on. You want no part of this pathetic life.

And I’m not going to try and act like Courtney in any way. I won’t play sports, I won’t wear or work at Abercrombie, and I won’t try and get into any cliques for acceptance. I’m just not motivated enough for that.

I’m sick of it. I’m sick of trying to live up to expectations I can never obtain. Forget it. I’m still very young. A hell of a lot can happen in the coming years. This world is too big and there’s too much more in life to worry about petty shit like this. Again, live for me. No one else.

Period.

If I’m not happy, then why am I doing it?