Alright, connections.

I'm all about connections and I really think I got Heidi to open up to me tonight. Aside from a lot of the things that would have stood out in my mind a mere couple of months ago, like her shirt or the way she sat at the movies, I really was more interested in her. Her as a human being talking to me and telling me what her real problems are.

While Eric may be able to talk his way into whatever he wants, his intention is purely manipulation. That's the complete opposite of what I want. See, with Eric, he feels satisfaction from the most basic perspective imaginable--acceptance, control, and physical.

This is why he feels the need to go and tell about all his exploits and this is why he's very concerned about saving face in front of his peers (esp. w/ Kathy) and this is why he uses everyone else, instead of connecting and feeling a genuine good feeling, he uses society's plan for happiness, and he gets a false sense of self-esteem and self-satisfaction.

Me, on the other hand, I'm a realist. If something doesn't feel right to me, I can't just repress that feeling and think "hey, it can't be what I'm REALLY feeling, because what I'm really feeling is told to me by the outside world".

No, bullshit.

I'm the expert on me, not my peers, or the media, or anyone who thinks they can know more about me than I do. I DO mumble when I talk, though. It's because sometimes I really don't know what to say and I hate awkward silences, so I say something, anything, and hope she'll play it off as interested. I'm beginning to get over that, though.

Ok, I went off on a tangent for personal exploration, which really is the point of this thought book (that and venting my rage, gotta vent my rage), but I'm still thinking about what went down.

Onto less general things, like seeing Mary and Becky and having Courtney talk about taking Alicia to TRL (what the fuck?). I'm still not completely over that whole group. I get jealous when Courtney gets all this fun with them with me--Alicia's only confidant and the only one that would listen with an open mind--getting shafted. I guess I was just a means for her to vent when she was scared or angry or excited and when she was done, she could just throw me out.

I'm like this fucking book to her. She can get everything out of her system and just close me and open me whenever she wants to. I guess it never occurred to her that I could fall like a fucking brick for her. Or that I could have any attachment at all before she severs it without thinking twice.

And Mary, ha! She's just as bad!

I've figured them out. "Why didn't you hang out with US?" Yeah, Mary, I'm gonna call you and Courtney and say "hey guys, wanna drop your regular plans of doing something really fun and exciting together and instead spend the day with a third wheel? Well, do you?" Forget about the time I went to the Macaroni Grill with you when no one else would because of the prom. Forget about the time I sat through hell at the volleyball tournament at the HS because everyone else didn't want to or was participating in it (yeah, Courtney). Forget it. You were doing ME a favor by hanging out with me. I should be thanking YOU! I should be grateful. Well, you and Alicia and Dan and Courtney and Brendan and Becky, you go have the time of your lives without me. Instead of good old, positive happy Brian, go hang out with cooler-than-thou rockstar scumbag Josh, or no-personality can't-even-look-you-in-the-eyes Corey2.

Keep your jocks, rockstars, and kings of their respective scenes. Stereotypes are always so much more fun than real people, because stereotypes are just so much easier to figure out. All their stats are in check. Sure, what they eat or how they dress and talk may vary, but they stay in their respective stereotype, because to shatter it is to shatter one's whole self-image, and then they'd have to think rationally and make on-the-fly decisions and live in a constant state of chaos.

Oh, no...this faux-chaos is much easier to swallow. It's still the norm, so it's ok, but it's varying, so that makes it cool. Fuck, I hate the stereotypes.

And Alicia, forget about when I would wait with you after school when you couldn't find Alison for a ride home. Or when I fucking gave you rides home when you got in your car accident. Or when I held your hand at graduation because you were so nervous. Or every fucking time I would be the only one to listen and understand your problems. Forget it. Instead, go hang out with those fake fucking personalities who put on a show for you. Once the tables are turned, you'd rather be entertained than to deal with anyone else's problems.

Yet, I still can't stay mad at her. She always gets a reprieve. It never ever fails. I've got to call Nate and I know when she answers, I'll talk to her like nothing happened. Oh, well...there's the story of my life.