Fuck. Why can't I just get to sleep?

I have a million thoughts running around in my head every time I close my eyes.

It's 4:15 in the morning and I'm at Grandma's house. I went from the couch in her room to the couch in the living room and I couldn't get near sleeping on either. Now, I'm wide awake. And so is Grandma. So, we're in adjacent rooms, both wide awake and not knowing when or if he other is gonna get to sleep.

As for the thoughts running in my head, it's nothing new. That's right, Alicia, Alicia, Alicia...shit, when the fuck will I get over her? Or do I want to? I mean, does she even like me as a friend now? It fucking kills me when I think that Courtney's closer to her than I am. After all that we went through this year, she decides to forget me and instead stay comfortable and only hang out with those few people.

Alicia, Dan, Courtney, and Mary. And I can say "I don't need you" till I'm blue in the face, but I don't mean it. Of course I need her, I've been pining over her for almost a year now and after making so much progression, it stops. She refuses to acknowledge me. We're mere acquaintances now, and that kills.

I'm fucking in love with her. There's no 2 ways about it. When you're away from someone this long, and you still pine over them, it's gotta be love, right?

I don't know, it's not love if the other person involved isn't participating. It must just be really strong infatuation. But, she's got me up at 4:30 thinking (and writing) about her, so it must be pretty fucking strong.

I'm over Mary. She was just a way to get closer to Alicia, I realize that now. And I'm not gonna rehash that whole ungrateful rant again, but obviously something's not right.

Ok, I'm gonna do this. Tomorrow, (or later today, I guess) I'll go to breakfast dead tired in my TCNJ shirt, blue shorts, and a hat (forward). Then, I'll either come back or if we took separate cars, I'll leave from there and go to TJ Maxx. Say hi to Alicia and joke around about TRL and other bullshit... Buy shorts and joke a little more. Hopefully, I can set up a day to hang out with her. Ask about Warped Tour and anything else.

If she's not working, go shoot yourself. Just kidding.

(fuck, I have the Impossibles CD, the entire fucking CD, stuck in my head. And Fifteen's "Stolen Life" is too.)

"Like a ton of bricks it hits and she finishes her sentence as the predicate predicts" blah, blah, blah...

The other thing on my mind is how mainstream Mary's become since going out with Courtney. MU330 replaced with Rage Against the Machine. Open-minded friends replaced with Jake F. and Kristal B. And, most likely, sXe replaced with alcohol under Courtney's influence. Fuck it.

Well now, I'm even more awake than when I started writing (not the intention). But, this stuff still lingers on my mind. I doubt I'm gonna get any sleep at all. I think I might have slept maybe an hour from 12:00-4:00 some time, but I really don't know. Seems like I've been trying to sleep the whole night. Whatever.

Hopefully I'll feel ok, tomorrow. Because I've got to look good for Alicia. Haha. Yeah, like it'll make a fucking difference. Ok, I'm gonna stop writing for the moment, but I'm sure something else will pop in my head soon.