Ok, so it's the same situation since before my vacation

(note: these entries should have been entered between "her party turned out to be so much better than expected" and "I'm all nervous again". I must have skipped it the first time. This will be two entries in one because I don't want to put another disclaimer up. These entries took place some time in July of 2000)

Heidi likes me, but I have got to get to know her and learn to appreciate other things about her before I even consider going out with her (or more).

I think I've pinpointed it, though. It's the whole male cult thing that was brought to my attention by Jeff Ott.

I don't look at a girl and think of her as a good fuck, and ONLY that, nonetheless. Unlike Eric (the rest of the cult), I see them as human beings just like me and I can't detach myself from them emotionally by only letting me see the outer looks and shallowest aspects of personality.

Eric (and the rest) can. And since "they" outnumber people like me, I'm supposed to feel inferior to them. I'm all of a suddne less of a man to them. Well, now that I've thought it through, I know that I WILL go hang out with Heidi and try and talk with her and learn more about her than whether or not she gives head. Because that's all well and good, and if we ever were to get into a physical relationship, that might come up, but that really has no bearing. And, of course, the other thing is that Eric (them) most likely will be seen as superior to me by Heidi (women), since they play the role (or, he plays the role) of the typical American, red-blooded, non-emotional, one-dimentional, sex-starved, shallow, sexist man.

While I'm seen as different, an outcast, even a deviant just because I would like to have a bond with a girl before I go and fuck her. Not to mention my sXe beliefs. In that, I'm not the typical teenager. I don't smoke weed, or drink beer, or smoke cigarettes. And while I won't place judgment on those that do, they may play it in reverse and place judgment on me.

I go by the 3 X's not because if I don't then I won't be considered "straightedge" (I hate labeling myself), but because I don't wnat to fuck up my own body. And the 3rd X is not meant to be "stay virgin until marriage" by my interpretation. I think it's much deeper than that. The way I see it, it's meant to discourage fucking around, or sleeping with anything without any sort of relationship in mind. I am not against sex whatsoever. I feel it's completely natural and it should be out in the open for discussion for both emotional and safety purposes. But, I don't think sex should be completely separated from other emotion (replace "sex" with lust, or replace "lust" with sexual urges). I think it's NOT it's own entity, but instead a progression of emotion between twopeople when they both feel right about it. (or, it should be). I couldn't stand having sex with a girl and not being able to talk to her before or afterwards.

If I'm going to have sex with someone, I will make completely clear that this is someone I can spend time with outside of bed. And someone I can connect with outside of looks.

And I'm not talking little annoyances, because everyone has those. I'm talking about having no connection deeper than physical attraction. And I'll say it. She's fucking hot. No two ways about it. But there are a lot of hot girls which really don't have any connection with me at all, so obviously, that can't be the deciding factor. Again, I feel compelled to look deeper. And I'll explain this all to Eric if he says anything and I will have not one regret, either. It's me. I will from now on lay myself bare. Dave G. is my inspiration. He's found quite a life outside the main pipeline, and he hase a zine BECAUSE he doesn't lie to himself. And I can honestly say that it is a work of art. And I want to follow suit and stay completely true to myself and what I believe in and just go out and (again...blah) do what I want when I want to. It sounds siple, but there's a fucking complicated life to lead on account of it.

I'm ready.

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Lets see, try and expose what I'm thinking...

I'm happy so far that I've got plenty of stuff planned and will most likely go through with it all. Between Curtis, Eric, Paul and Heidi I've got plenty to do, but I also want to hang out with Alicia and Dan, Mary (and I guess Courtney), Jake, and possibly Amy#2 and Christina but (oh yeah, and Jeff) but I guess each personality comes with their own baggage and it'll be hard to balance all that. But it most definitely beats the cookie-cutter shit I did last summer with the "group".

Now, I had no personal qualms with any of them, but I would not vow to be exclusive in the least.

Jason and Alisha became a single entity became a single entity and stopped associating with anyone around them, so I decided I'd do just the same to them. I need no one, unlike Burns, who gets all red in the ace and rebels against common sense. He's an idiot. Then Becky and Brendan, who weren't as bad as Jason and Alisha, but were tapped into the clique because of Brendon's golfing skill and the fact he played guitar and Becky's cheerleader-like demeanor. So from then on they found their higher-up friends and are content with that, I think.

Which brings me to Mary. I'm completely over her, I think, since I haven't seen her in so long. Maybe I'll call her and see if she wants to hang out, but I really don't know. I probably won't because she doesn't (is there a word between need and want?) me, and neither do I her. Yeah... Crystal is completely out of the picture. Yeah, hot, but I explained this all before. Forget it.

What else?

I don't know, I'm well past "the group" since I never really thought of myself as part of them anyway. I was friendly, but I just didn't fit. I guess I'm better off that way. I never want to get too comfortable because I need that drive to keep me going. I absolutely need it.

On another topic, I'm thinking of doing a zine. A real zine, on paper. I'm pretty happy with my e-zine so far, and with my artwork and writing, I could really make a quality piece of work. I just want to figure out how much it costs and exactly what I can do to get it going. Just imagine the feeling when you see that completed PB zine all finished. Damn, that'd be a great feeling. Well, maybe, I don't really know...