Well, I've been getting deep enough into my consciousness

to try and map out and label what it is I'm feeling.

Well, this is a little harder, because it's all about sex as a mental issue. It felt like sex is a sinful practice for kids who like to piss their parents off and rebel. The way it's presented, I wanted no part of it. Especially how presented by Eric, Mike, Jake, even cousin Matt.

But, fact is, I do feel it belongs somewhere in my life. And if Heidi's the one then fine.

But I don't see it like that. I really have to spend more time with her and get to know her a lot better, because there IS potential there. And, of course, a lot of baggage comes with it. Will she accept my family? Will they accept her? Do I even really like her? Does she even like her boyfriend? Does he respect her? Why are they never together? How will I 'perform'? When and where possibly? How will I feel after?

Well, I think she'd accept my family. I mean especially if I do the trick I was planning for Amy#2. If she dresses a little, just a little, more conservative, family (mom and sis) would accept her. I think I like her. I mean, she's very easy to talk to and we can be jokey, although our musical interests, and political interests might vary.

But I have stuff in common with her and she IS very good-looking. Not to mention very comfortable (as shown by the movies) and very open (as seen by the conversation on the ride home) with me. But, she has dated scumbags.

"Special K", her boyfriend, kinda scares me, even though I never met him. So, with that, there's the whole disease issue. And that's fucking scary. I have got to make a promise to myself to have the balls to ask about her (or anyone's) past before anything progresses. And that might kill the relationship, but I need to know for my own personal safety.

All the other shit would progress eventually. I'll see what comes up and go for what feels right. I'm all about what feels right.