I really can't pinpoint my thoughts

I get these surges of creativity, but I haven't found a real talent which I can express it. So I put pen to paper and write about it.

The last like 5 movies I've seen have kept me motivated and opened my eyes. SLC Punk, Big Lebowski, Kill the Man, Fight Club--sure, they're all just stupid comedies (except Fight Club), but they mean something to me. Maybe it's because that's what I want to do. Maybe that's where I can shine. I want to write direct or animate or star in MY OWN CREATION.

I want to get ideas out there. I want to use what little chance for actual rebellion I have and jump on it. Like my options. Fuck Wal-Mart from now on. I'm better off going to Quick Chek. Fuck Old Navy, JC Penny, and Sears. I'll shop for clothes at smaller clothing stores. Why don't people whop at the Wall? Because they're corporate and "mainstream". Okay, good thought, but you still shop at those other corporate empires for clothes, food, shampoo, etc. That's the easiest thing someone can do to fight oppression.

It's hard to let go of such a casual and everyday thing like that but once you've done that, you'll find that you don't need it at all. Just like the Wall. Going in there is almost disturbing now. I would love to get that for all these big business corporations.

And the next easiest...well, not easiest, but by far the most satisfying--thing I can do is to get ideas out there creatively. Short animations, or failing that, comics, possibly. Writings. Movies. I want to get out and do things. Take part in making a change. I will join an activist community. I want to be part of something to change the world. Because there's no chance in hell I can make that sort of impact alone. But by getting ideas out there and joining leftist groups, I can make an impact. September's not too far away, and it can't come too soon.

On another tone, the opposite sex is bugging me. A list of girls on my mind: Alicia, Diana (& Megan), Heidi, and surprisingly, Amy#2 and Christina.

Alicia and I are pretty comfortable with each other now. Sure, she's constantly in Boston or Dan's here, so there's not much time to hang out with just her, but it's fair enough, because I know exactly where I stand and I'm comfortable with that.

Oh, another thing. I'm looking forward to the first person to fuck with me, either at college, or beforehand because now I realize that taking shit with a grain of salt and a smile doesn't work. Grain of salt or not, it's still shit, and that doesn't sit right. So from now on, it's out and out war. And I'm gonna enjoy every second of it.

But back to Diana (& Megan). I can't talk to Diana without first talking to Megan. So the next time I see either of them, I'm gonna blatantly ask to hang out with Diana. I can't believe it's taken me this long. She's cool, I could really get into hanging out with her.

Heidi, on the other hand, doesn't really stick in my mind. She's kinda fun, but nothing really stands out about her that I connect with. But she's a cool girl nonetheless, so I'll probably call her tomorrow or one of these days.

Which brings me to Amy#2 and Christina. Fuck Amy#2. Let me start off by saying that. I guess that's a little harsh. Maybe she's just shy or something, but she never called me. Christina...I love Christina. Well, that's a little much, too. I don't LOVE Christina. I miss Christina. I'd like to get back in touch with Christina. It's all pointless anyway, though, so what's the point in thinking about it?

I can't talk to Diana without talking to Megan, so I'll probably never again talk to either of them. I can't talk to Christina without talking to Amy#2 or Heidi ABOUT her, which is near impossible to do, so there's a great fucking chance Amy#2 and Kristina are out of my life FOREVER.

Just needed to face reality for a sec there. I've hardened a lot over the past year and it's much easier to face reality now. I know my place. And that's perfect because never again will I try to fit my square peg ass in a round hole. Because it doesn't fit. The only way it'll fit is if I change that hole to a square. And that's what I'm aiming to do. Both socially and politically. Yeah.