I have to talk to Patricia today

Why is Eric working when he doesn’t want to? “I want to keep peace between you two”. I don’t care if Patricia hates me, do I? The thing is, our phoniness will truly show up, and that’s what I’m afraid of. I will snowboard on Saturday instead of working. Why? Because my life has come to a point where I’ll do anything to break out of HELL RUT.. I want to shake things up any way I can, and I must admit, this is much more fun than sticking to my regular routine and wondering what would have happened had I done this or that.

I’m just going to act, with considering all the consequences, but always valuing my life over making money, keeping meaningless responsibilities, and doing things because it’s the “norm” and everyone else does it.

I go by my own ideals. I will fight to keep my life the way I want it. Eric may be feeling a lot of repressed resentment because I can sense it. I don’t want him to be pissed , but I will not sacrifice my life for him. Eitehr way, my dignity is being compromised. For Hendrickson? No, I will not let that bitter old fuck ruin my life in any way. I will not let that happen. Keep up. It would help to have support (Eric, Frank), but it isn’t what I’m basing this on.

I do have support (trial, retrozine, catharsis) and that’s all I need. Sure, it’s not the kind of support where they egg me on and help me, beause I don’t know them. But I have the park and it keeps me wanting to go out and enjoy life, and consider the consequences, but always act in a way where I do what I want to keep me happy. I can’t wait to hear what trial has to say about it. That will keep me even higher and get me to stand up for myself and fight for my life.

A small deli or a little business would be a million times better than this place. Sure, they still think like a corporation, but they don’t really have the power to be black-hearted, so they aren’t. It kills me because everyone is so loyal to the management, and they don’t realize that they see us as expendable. We’re very easily replaced and those jaded motherfuckers don’t care about us once we’re off the clock or out of the business.