Rejection doesn't hurt me (too much) but awkwardness does. I fucking hate it. Courtney is going to feel resentment if I don't give a good reason why I felt I had to tell her. I just wanted another 'boarder there. I'll make it out to look like I needed someone more on my level. Yeah, that'll work.
Do I want her to know? Um...if she does, it could possibly happen. But her demeanor is friendly, but shouting out "NO!". If she doesn't know, then nothing changes and I go back to hoping she'll take initiative. Oh, well. If Courtney finds out, probably from her saying something, then he'll keep an eye out, but otherwise, I don't care anymore. Catch both comforts me and pushes me into thinking and overthinking. I don't care how they think. It's mine, dammit --thought stopped--
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I know how you feel, but before I continue, dude, what you are doing in this blog is really admirable. I mean, not everyone has the courage and talent to do something like this. So moving on, I just want to tell you that it's normal to feel that way. I'm not a dude, but I totally understand that feeling. I think that it's always best for her to know that having "what if" thoughts every night. Haha. ;) Cheers to you btw! :)
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