...can bring back a rush of old emotions. If I'm feeling an intense feeling when watching or listening to something, that feeling seems to become captured in it. And when I play it back, I get that same feeling back, no matter how long it'd been since the last time I saw or heard it.
I'm talking about "Chasing Amy" and Sublime's S/T album. "Amy" brought me back those feelings I had, and I guess still ahve somewhat, for Alicia. It brought me to the first day of school when I sat with her at lunch. To the walks after lunch and the awkward conversations we had to the days of writing about how fucking depressed she would make me without even knowing it. It was the movie I would watch in pain, because it reminded me of her. It was so hard to watch that movie, because I wouldn't even think about the plot watching it. I would just think of her.
The Sublime CD brings mixed feelings. I love the music, but I hate the fact that this music was exploited and marketed to MTV audiences. Jim B. and Bill D and Cousin M listening to this? Well, I'm sure they got little more than entertainment out of it. For me, though, it's different. It means something to me. I can't really put it into words, it's very hard.
Also, it brings me back to sophomore year in the most difficult part of my life. The beginning and most shocking part, anyway. I'm kind of still in that part of my life, so that's why it's kinda traumatic. My hope is that college will fix everything, but that's just me being idealistic and stupid again. The fact is that I have to deal with what I have received in life. I'm a very privileged person. I'm in the majority in most categories. I'm white, male, straight, and middle class. Sure, I do have a different life than most, but I've only seen a very small part of the world. Again, my hope is that college will broaden my horizons and allow me to see that I can still live an open, fulfilling, and happy life.
Another big thing on my mind is my sex drive. I seem to have lost a significant amount. Maybe it's my excitement of what lingers over the horizon and I don't really want to think about sex right now. Maybe since I've found fulfillment in meaningful friendships w/ Eric, Curtis, Alicia, and even Paul, sex isn't big on my list right now. I can only hope that's it. Because I'm worried that I won't have any desire to have sex for a while.
Well, every time I try and think about it, I just have SO much more on my mind. I think; I hope; that when I've settled down and get over the excitement of moving into my OWN place with Curtis, and living in a semi-big city, and meeting new people, and becoming more educated, and all that, once I've relaxed and become comfortable, then my sex drive will kick in a little harder than it is now. If not, I don't know what I'll do. I'll try re-analyzing it myself and possibly move on from there, but hopefully that won't be an issue.
I don't know if it's a coincidence or if there's some kind of connection, but the same time I feel this low on drive is the same time I finally feel I'm ready to go ahead and have sex. I think maybe it could be because I've thought of sex as so distant from me for so long. Sex, as presented to me, was something to be seen and never done. Sure, I've thought of myself in sexual situations, but it was always presented as something that was wrong. And, being the abiding type, I tended to agree. So, my urges always gave me guilt and I would have a lot of inner conflict. Eventually, masturbation became natural and I felt comfortable with it and I was relieved of guilt. With time and experience, it came. But, I still feel guilt thinking about having sex with someone I respect like Alicia or even Heidi. Once I get respect for a girl, my sex drive tends to go down. It's because I always viewed it as black and white. Two separate things. Sex was wrong and warranted no respect, so to have sex with someone was to detach from them emotionally and instead go strictly for physical pleasure. The whole idea of a mental connection between the two having sex was foreign to me. And I think it's mostly how sex was presented to me by the media, by school, and even a And it's still that way.
What scares me is that I don't want this to make sex seem as any less fun or exciting. To make sex forbidden is to put it on the same level as things that SHOULD be forbidden. Rape, incest, even violence. How many times have I heard "sex and violence" together? They shouldn't be coupled with one another, because one can be something that improves one's life and adds excitement and positivity to it while the other is almost ALWAYS negative.
Sex needs to shed it's dirty violent image, because it is the opposite, not a parallel, of violence. It is two people giving pleasure to one another in the most intense way humans possibly can, while violence is one person giving pain to another, while possibly feeling pleasure on account of it. And the whole "one man's pain is another's pleasure" is bullshit, because if we can communicate, we can know exactly what one feels about anything. Sure, everyone has different tastes and likes/dislikes. So, for each person, that line moves to the left or right on what is pain or pleasure. But there's always a line. And it's not what someone can tolerate. It's what someone wants. There's a big difference.
So, I think I'm ready. I need to start looking in girls eyes from now on. Eyes are the perfect balance between lust, friendship, love, or whatever. Personality goes a long way, and so does looks, and common interests and sexual tension and the way they move and act and talk and smell and all that. But--and I can't say if I'm sure on this or not--I think the eyes are the perfect balance of all that. It can be sexual and loving at the same time, which proves that they should be coupled together and I've been thinking of it all wrong all along. The sex is most likely just as good. I'm sure it feels the same if you're fucking a horny girl you loathe or if you're fucking a horny girl you respect.
And that's another misconception I had. Either girls get really horny or they're someone I can respect. They can't be both. It's either Crystal (column A) or Alicia (column B). I could never really fathom columns A and B in one girl. I now realize, after this thinking, that column A and B have NOTHING to do with each other.
My big problem is, of course, putting these theories into practice. Will I be able to get off on a girl I respect? I should, with this new perspective brought to light. An intelligent, respectable girl can be as good having sex, or better, than a girl I can't stand but happens to be good looking. A respectable girl that I could very well fall in love with could be, by my old terms, a slut.
The result?
Respect does not fall, or rise for that matter, by experience having sex. I can now imagine ANYONE I respect doing anything sexual, and keep that respect. Now, I have to use this outlook to improve my life. Always look at the whole person. That used to mean completely exclude anything sexual for ones I respect and think ONLY sexual for those I don't. Not anymore. It's only a PART of the person, but it's STILL IS A PART! So, it's not--she's a slut, I'm staying away from her. No. No more. Listen and interact with them. There's no such thing as a slut. If a girl has a lot of sex, her opinions and values (yes, values) are as valid as the next girl's. There is no such thing as a prude. Just because a girl doesn't have sex makes her no more or less respectable than one that sleeps around. From now on, the word "slut" will be reserved for those girls that cheat on guys, or those that use sex to get ahead in a job or something (although, I'll probably modify that in time as well). It's a clean slate for them. Sexually, anyway.
Now, how will this outlook affect my sex drive? Hopefully, I'll stop needing a "dirty" or "wrong" feeling to get off. I've got to accept the fact that I can find things "dirty" or "wrong" in anyone and everyone. And I've got to use that to my advantage. It's probably too late for the girls I know. Never know, though. this IS the first time thinking overtly this way. Maybe over time I can view them and see them on different levels and eventually respect girls like Megan and get off on girls like Alicia. On every new girl I meed from now on, though, I've got to look at ALL sides and not over-emphasize, de-emphasize, or completely exclude their sex.
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