I'm a prisoner. The bars are my insecurity and the prison guards are mom and . It's hard to get that on paper, because it's such a difficult situation. I probably should have been a little more vague, because it's more than just *that*, but *that's* at the root.
Really, not much more to be said about that. I've gotten so used to positive entries that I want to sugarcoat my feelings, but I can't. I'm just having one of those days where I"m feeling extremely unstable. I'm not content with being trapped in this house for any longer than I need to eat, sleep, or check my e-mail.
It must be Monday. --Train of thought stopped--
I'm reflecting on the summer I had. It wasn't GREAT, but it wasn't horrible, either. It was comfortable, which is OK, but I do want more. My biggest regret, or at least the one that's standing out right now, was not keeping in touch with Christina. Only now do I realize how much fun I could have had with her. But, I can't look back.
In 4 days, I will be in another world. I'll be literally surrounded with kids my age, and while I will keep a close friendship w/ Curtis, I also want to make it my mission to open up to this new experience and not regret missing out on anything. I'm pretty much prepared for anything that may come up. In theory, anyway. I'm sure it'll be much different when I put this new perspective into practice.
I guess it's good to look back at times, though, because I can learn from what I did or didn't do and how I feel about it now. I want to start taking initiative a little more and taking control of my life.
Once again: it's MY life. Not mom's, not sister's, not Eric's, not RetroZine's, not Curtis'. It's MINE. And while I do look to and/or observe other people's lives for influence or perspective, or even acceptance, I will still have the final say in the end.
[for some reason, I just thought of Sharon's perspective as I see it. While I like her, I just see her as kind of closed-minded. I know she'll most likely stay away from her roommate as much as possible and spend more time in our room. Also, she said something like "I don't want to have a night class that day because I heard that's a big party day. I want to make friends". Well that seems a bit idealized. I'm much more real when it comes to social issues like that.
Firstly, I like more personal interaction (but without tension, if possible). I guess I like it as personal as possible before it gets awkward. Because I'm really into the actual GETTING TO KNOW the person. And that doesn't just mean idle bullshit chit-chat, although I do enjoy that too. But actual sharing of thoughts. That's why I liked Christina so much. She could talk about something stupid and something meaningful. Or I should say WE could, because it's more like she could LISTEN to both. But she could also respond and converse, which made her really likable. Or maybe it's just because she was really cute. Whatever.
ANYway, to end this rambling, my mood has completely changed since I set pen to paper at the beginning. That's good.
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