Am I back in senior year of high school? Fuck no. This is a million times better and I am so thankful for it. I don't remember the last time I was this content with my life. But there's always something bugging me, so I can always write, no matter what.
Right now I have the power to control my fate. If my life were an RPG, this would be the selection screen. I have the ability to get good grades in German, Calc, and even easier Philosophy and Expository. I have the power to decide my social life.. I can be with Amy #2, Kristina, Raechel, and probably even Heidi if I want to. It's another point in my life where a lot is up in the air. But it feels good, because I haven't made any crucial decisions yet, and I am still in complete control.
My decision? Well, academically, I plan on getting good grades, so today, I'm going to devote most of the day to studying and working hard to get those grades. Again, I don't feel these classes are necessary in my life (except maybe Philosophy) but to not do work because I disagree with the general principle is counterproductive and pretty stupid. I have grown up and I'm past the rebellious "what the fuck?" stage. I realize that I have an advantage and to deny it simply on the basis of it being on the whole unjust is ridiculous.
This outlook on life is probably a major reason I don't feel a connection with Raechel. Last year, I would most likely be very happy to be with someone like her. She's cute, she listens to the same music I do, she's against many of the same things as I (such as organized religion and frats), and she has a bunch of "punk rock" friends and "emo" friends. But now, I see how superficial that all is. I know that we have very different reasons for our interests. I look at myself and think about why I believe the things I do, and my take on teh issues happen to coincide with the punk community. Raechel, on the other hand, does it backwards. I don't think she has any reason to back up her claims to any extend and instead just wants to present the aesthetically pleasing self-image to me and people like me.
I look at Melody and Ronnie and I see a genuine quality in their personalities. That draws me close to them and allows me to be genuine as well, despite whether or not I agree with everything they say. My bullshit radar is turned to the highest level now. And I don't see much bullshit, if any at all, between them and I.
With Raechel, though, it's off the fucking chart. And this is where any type of relationship (be it sexual, romantic, or just friendship) gets destroyed. I can get in a fight with people who don't bullshit and we can get past that and actually help to further our relationship than with those who keep everything inside them or between them and their other friends, which makes me seem like some outside observer instead of an actual part of their life (eg--Raech and Danielle and their other friends).
If you have a disagreement, fucking tell me, don't act all submissive and stop looking me in the eye then go on to tell everyone but me exactly what you feel. Let me know so we can talk and pass the time and laugh and sort our our differences while at the same time agreeing on many other things. There is no black and white between anyone. There will always be a grey area. No matter how small, there has to be common ground between anyone, and those common basics could be the reasons for people's very , very different views on things. The problem is that people don't see things that way. They see a disagreement as a fight: two very different people arguing and hurting their overall happiness together. So, (I know I'm being very ambiguous and not very specific, but I do this a lot) they avoid confrontation as much as possible. Instead of talking things out, and getting to know where the other person is coming from, they participate in passive activities, like watching a movie, listening (in silence) to music, or making out, to even having sex.
Now, these last two don't seem very passive at all. They seem incredibly active, at first glance. But if two people are attracted to each other, and they both agree to physically express it, then there is no confrontation there. It's more like "do you want to do this now?" followed by a yes or no. This is not active communication between them and a lot of times it seems like it's an evation of who the other person really is. And I'm not saying this to be complicated. I sound like a damn Expository essay there. But I completely feel that these acts are passive. Now, doing these acts (watching a movie, fucking, etc) are not something that perpetuates miscommunication. Just that in themselves it gives the illusion that people are spending quality time together when they're really just passively going through the motions and using any outlet to avoid confrontation. Another thing is that when you are cool with someone and can actively interact with them, enjoying passive activities becomes more active because you don't focus as much on the media itself (movie, personal pleasure) but on the other person's feeling about it. So, after a movie or during it, you can discuss and interact about the movie and what you thought instead of right away going to another form of non-verbal activity. Or during sex, you can enjoy it that much more because you know the other person so well and its so much more personal.
Wow..this has gotten me thinking about so much that I wouldn't know where to start, but considering I'm in an awkward situation as we speak, I guess I'll try.
Amy #2. What do I think of her, honestly? She's a pretty face and we get along pretty well, so there's a start. She comes up fairly low on the bullshit detector, so that's also a plus. What else? I don't know. I haven't talked to her in about half a year, so it's kind of difficult to assess my feelings about her. Eric's been pimping me out like I'm his ho, but I can't say I'm necessarily against it. He's just giving me more options, that's all. Again, it's up to me to decide my future.
I'm glad Heidi isn't too impersonal to talk to me every once in a while and I'm glad Amy #2 and Christina still remember me, which is really cool. Eric always boosts my ego with his stories of what the girls at Shop Rite really thought of me. I'm happy for that because it makes me feel as if I have a chance to get a girl I enjoy being with instead of one I "should get with" according to the advice of everyone else around me. But anyway, I'll hang out with Amy #2 and see what happens either way. It's worth a shot. Obviously she's interested, so it's a very good possibility that I may become interested, too.
But what about Christina? I don't know why, but I really felt it with Christina. She has a boyfriend right now, but that's temporary as with all of their flings. She's going to come up with Heidi since Heidi's seeing some other guy here at school. Personally, I am looking forward to seeing her. Even if it means only seeing her and deciding it wouldn't work, just seeing her again would be a good thing.
Once again, everything's TBA and it's up to me to decide exactly how I'm going to play this out. Life IS just a game anyways, at least when it comes to human interaction. It's the most complicated and difficult game to play though.
Anyways, I'm looking forward to playing soon, even though a lot of it is rough and on-the-fly decision making. At any rate, I'm going to need a basic overall conclusion to my plans, so after formulating that, the rest of the decisions should be obvious.
Okay, I'll stop being vague and try and assess the specific situations in the future, but it's almost time to leave the library and head out into the real world, where nothing is as simple as I map it out to be.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment