Last night I couldn't sleep.

I was up until about 5 in the morning trying to get to sleep, but my mind was racing. I thought about writing an entry as I would have done last year, but it's hard to do when living with someone.

Right now, I'm scared of being sick. I felt 2 bumps on the back of my head a couple days ago, and now I feel something in my throat when I swallow. I want to get someone to check this out, because I'm a little freaked out by this.

Well once again, I moved one step closer with Raechel on Friday. That may contribute to what I'm feeling right now. Who knows? I want to talk to a doctor. I think I'll go to to the Health Center today after work and get someone to check me out, because I'm scared. But, I'm living. And when you live, there's risks that are taken. I COULD live in my room and never leave to do anything, leaving me a healthy depressive. But I refuse to do that. It doesn't mean I'm going to do anything I want all the time, but I'm not going to be half as cautious as I once was.

Last night, I felt very alone. I was just thinking that I don't know where the fuck I can ever find someone like Melody to be with, only without a boyfriend. When I say "like Melody", I mean someone I can connect with. Someone who isn't too good to come to me for advice and share her problems with me. Someone as good looking as her. Of course, she's found someone FOR LIFE, as is how my life goes with Becky, Alicia, and Mary, my 3 previous crushes. (I hate that word)

If I were to find any fault with her, it would be that she's too self-conscious about her looks. She's so damn cute all the time, even when she's all groggy and just waking up. She's fucking Picachu. Yet, she will still spend so long putting on make-up, which only takes away from her natural look which I love. But that is not a type of fault to turn me away from her. I love how I can get into deep conversations with her and make each other really think about life.

The problem, though, is that we are such good friends. It would be nearly impossible to ever approach anything considering both that and that we live down the hall from each other. If I were even to consider anything, I would have to wait until the summer or at the very least, a couple weeks before school let out for good.

The problem wiht me is that I can't distinguish potential friends from potential girlfriends. And I don't know why. I'm trying to think of distinguishing qualities that occur in girlfriends that don't occur in simple friends. But thinking of that brings me back to last night. Why was I feeling so alone sitting on Melody's bed watching "Friends" while she wrapped gifts? If we were simply friends to me, I would have been content with that. But I was looking over at her and wondering why she wasn't sitting with me. I was thinking what Matt has that I don't have. I was wondering what it would be like if we were together.

But mostly, I just felt alone. Alone in her room and alone in the world. And I don't think there's an easy fix to that feeling. Sex doesn't help, that's for damn sure, because what's the point if it's with someone you despise? Physical pleasure means nothing more to me than physical pleasure. It does nothing for me otherwise. It gives me no emotion or feeling other than those short few moments when I'm experiencing it. Sure, it's fun and exciting, but when it's over, it's over. There is nothing to keep me there. Meaningless sex is boring. I'd rather just jerk off, since there's a lot less baggage, if any at all. I've decided that it's just not worth the risk if I don't feel anything towards her.

But I've been thinking--and I think this is the main reason I was kept up last night--I was thinking about meeting people I like. Parties are obviously not the answer. I mean, it's possible to meet someone there, but how would I even know if I'm drunk and she's drunk and we both don't really see much beyond physical attraction? Jobs are a good opportunity, as are dorms or even class, but when am I given the opportunity to even fond out about these people? I go to these places, and I'm attracted to certain girls, and maybe we'll get some random pointless chit-chat in every now and then, but it pretty much stops there.

[right now I feel bad, because I'm sitting her on the high chair at the desk while, just like every week, that girl is forced to sit in the little one. I feel like I should offer her my chair every once in a while, but I don't have the decency or the balls. I feel like an asshole]

Anyway, back to my point, how do I get comfortable enough to really get to know someone? Or should I say, how do I get them to be comfortable enough with me? It's difficult, because I fear awkwardness. I also hate rejection. Not so much being rejected as being the one to reject. I hate doing that, because I don't like being considered an asshole by anyone. But it's bound to happen. Like when "Little Lisa" blatantly said in the elevator "I don't like you". It didn't hurt me, but it made me wonder just what horrible thing I did to them. It's pretty obvious now that she liked me at one point, because the simple act of not going to their room turned them against me. If they didn't like me to begin with, they'd be relieved that I wasn't in their room.

My problem seems to be that I get friends pretty quickly and stick with them because I'm scared to lose them. I've got a question for them: When was the last time you came up? The answer is never. They expect too much.

So my biggest problems are: my health (head, throat, and anything possibly from Raechel), finals and basic schoolwork, and more generally, random periods of loneliness.