My entries always seem to suck...

...when I'm in this semi-content, yet antsy kind of mood. I wanted to write yesterday, when I felt angry and distant, but it's difficult to get anything done at school. I really feel like I'm getting sick of the dorm at times. Yesterday morning, when I was woken up by Melody, and I looked over and saw Sharon and Curtis lying in Curtis's bed, I felt sick. The night before, when Ronnie and I were discussing her problems and Sharon and Curtis walked in and gave their half-assed advice to her, I felt sick. When I finally thought Sharon would get the fuck downstairs and go to sleep, leaving Curtis and me alone so we could just go to bed, but instead jumped in his bed and wouldn't let go of his blanket so Curtis was forced to allow her to sleep in our room, I felt sick. EVERY FUCKING TIME we're all hanging out and Sharon kills everything by whispering to Curtis in an uneasy silence, I feel sick.

I really can't take this shit anymore. I fucking hate it when Curtis and Sharon get drunk, because they ct as if they now, for those few hours, have a bond with the others and have an air of superiority over me. Even with my best friends there, Melody and Ronnie, I feel like I'm losing something meaningful. Ronnie's going to be gone in a week and I'll most likely never see her again, which I've accepted, but don't quite agree with. It's just that I think she puts more bearing on her boyfriend's opinion than she leads on. I'm glad she's found happiness with him, but it seems at times that she is content with ONLY him and needs nothing else (aside from her family). There could be a lot more to her, though, so I can't make any assumptions.

Now, why do I give a fuck about Sharon and Curtis? Why can't I be content with them and just relax and let them do what they want? Well, I think at the root of the problem is my ongoing search for fulfillment. I have to say that I feel fulfilled when I feel a strong connection with someone and they can confide in me and we can have a deep, meaningful friendship. I feel that with Ronnie and Melody. What disturbs me is to be seen by them as equal to Curtis and Sharon (well, mostly Sharon), who seem to only want friends for superficial reasons. Sharon wants someone to go to parties with, and in her superficial world, her life is in turmoil. She seems to define life on superficial terms: a boyfriend she can show off but also treat her right (like on the WB tv shows), friends she can party with and talk about her boyfriend with, keeping up with the latest trends in music and fashion, and basically being a member of Dawson's Creek.

Now, in keeping with my rule never to demonize that which with I don't agree, she does have good traits. At times, she can carry a decent conversation and I can actually enjoy spending time with her. But generally, I wish she would have never lived in our building and, further, never went to our college. I called it way back before school started, when I was still counting the days: I said that she would not be able to make friends on her own and that she was going to constantly be in our room. I was hoping I was wrong, but it happened anyway. Now, I have a shitload more to say, but I'm sick and I need to do something else, like eat or sleep or something.