Shit. I cracked again.

I really shouldn't have let it get to that stage, but I couldn't stop it. Why am I letting myself get into these situations? Lets see, well, there are a number of reasons. For one, the most obvious reason--it feels good. I have primal urges just like every man and woman out there, and they are met when I take that short walk to the 3rd floor.

Why else? Hmmm... well, I see everyone around me going out and getting drunk, and I still don't have any major urge to participate in that culture, so instead, I use this as a sort of equal to them. I can go and feel that I had just as much fun as them, if not more. The only problem is that there is a whole lot more emotional baggage with my situation.

And I don't feel anything towards Raechel. Nothing. And it's probably wrong to lead her to believe I do, because she's going to get really hurt. But I think she knows that I have no emotional attachment to her. That's why she's so "friendly" with me. Anything to keep me around. If it means going down my pants at an early stage, then so be it. If it means agreeing with anything I say, then she'll do that. It doesn't matter, because I'm around and that's ALL she cares about. And that's fucking scary. I've neve had this kind of power over another person before. And I don't like it. If she's so willing to do ANYTHING to keep me there, what will she do if I'm not there anymore, despite what she does? I don't know, and I really don't want to find out.

So, the solution to this situation is simple in theory but hard in practice. I have to suppress my urges, which is fucking difficult to do, since this is my first (well, second) real outlet to release them. Also, I have to talk to her and let her know exactly where I stand on the issue. "Raechel, we have to talk. Listen, I like you. You're a really nice person and I enjoy hanging out with you, but we can't keep doing this. Because I can tell that you're starting to get emotionally attached. And I think it's better off we stop now before you end up getting really hurt. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy doing this and it's hard to sto, because I enjoy it so much, but I really don't want to hurt you. Do you understand why I'm doing this? We can still hang out and be friends, but I really think we should stop."

And I know I'm going to get from her-- "I'm not getting the wrong idea, I'm really not." But I know that she's emotionally attached, and I'll ask her "are you saying you are not at all attached?"And if she answers that she's not, then it's all up in the air. But I want to make it blatantly obvious that I odn't want to have any sort of commitment to her, becuase I really don't. It just wouldn't work, because of all the reasons stated before and probably more. Iv'e got to end this before I get too deep into it. Period.

Now what else is on my mind? Well, obviously, schoolwork is always there, and it bugs the hell out of me. I will most likely fail German, because I am not at all motivated to do any language lab work or even to study for tests. I hate the fucking class, and since it counts toward nothing anyways, I just want to pass and that's all. As for calc, expository, and philosophy, I think I'm okay. And it's been a long time since I could say that, going back to probably Sophomore year. So I'm pretty much content with that shit, despite German.

Another thing on my mind is, once again, Sharon. We were fine for a little while, but I think that she's PMSing or something. I'm sick of her shit. I'm sick of seeing her every day. I'm sick of her correcting Curtis or yelling at Curtis or keeping Curtis away from me. It reminds me of a quote from Clerks: "Territoriality. He was mine first". It also reminds me of the situation from Chasing Amy in that I resent her for taking him. But it's a hell of a lot different, since I'm straight and all, but what do I know?