Well, I'm feeling it again

I feel isolated, left out, deserted.

Leave it to my insecure friends to shut me out. I hate holidays. They leave me feeling so empty. It's just a constant, monthly to bi-monthly reminder of how few friends I have.

I called Curtis, 45 minutes ago trying to see what he's doing tonight for New Year's Eve. That's all. He doesn't have to break his plans if he has any. He doesn't need to change his plans. He doesn't have to include me in his plans. I just want to know if he has plans. If he does, then I'll call Eric or Paul or even Alicia or Amy#2 (yeah right). But I just want to know so I can plan my day.

But Curtis fears any type of confrontation. But fefore getting into that, I'm stuck here for another 2 to 2 1/2 hours with THEM. I feel 10X more alone when they are here than when I am actually alone. When I'm by myself, I am free to do as I please whenever I want. Granted, I'm still alone, but at least I'm not confined to my room.

It's kinda scary that the last time I was outside the house was 2 days ago when I got back from boarding.

Anyway, back to Curtis. He probably has something going on if he couldn't call me back after waiting an hour. Come on, you can come up with something in that time. I fucking hate holidays so much. I can't wait to have all those days when no one is home and there's nothing special to do. I love for the days I can relax or just hang out or go to friends houses because I feel like it, not out of obligation because I feel I should be somewhere because everyone else is.

I can sympathize with Melody now. Only difference is she has someone that she is with.

I hate writing while my mom walks back and forth across my door. I know she's gonna walk in and ask what I'm writing. It sucks that I have to hide this--

Anyway, back to Melody. She complains so much yet she has Matt when holidays come around. They've been together, on and off, for a year now, so they're pretty solid. When it comes to things like New Year's, or Valentine's, or even Christmas, I have no one. But I deal with it without outwardly pointing blame. I map it out here, but I'm different from, say, Sharon, because I don't live by it. She looks at her 3 female friends by association: Crystal, Becky, and Alisha, and says "I need a steady boyfriend, too".

So, even though she and Curtis are not going out, I can almost guarantee that she has called him so that she can go through the motions.--

Ok, well, my guarantee was confirmed. Curtis is eating dinner at Sharon's house, then going to Dana's party, which he says he is going to leave at 11:30, but I sincerely doubt it.--

GAAH! So many distractions. Anyways, I'll try and make the best of this and keep my head up. Have I mentioned how much I fucking hate holidays? Even if I were with someone, just for companionship and social acceptance on holidays, like Raechel for example, I would still feel alone. Because I would think of how much fun everyone else is having: Ronnie and Danny, Melody and Matt, Alicia and Dan, Eric and Kelly, even Curtis and Sharon.

And when I think of that, I feel like shit. Because there is no one I can be associated with. It sucks when something that means so much to me is meaningless to someone else when compared with the rest of their life. It shows just how shitty life has been up to this point.

Well, if I am to buy into the holiday and make a resolution, it will be to live my life the way I want to. If it means detaching from my family to the point where I don't even associate with them in order to find my own identity, then I will have to do that. Sounds like the opposite of a resolution, but I have lived so cautiously because I'm scared of what might happen--