11/6/02- I think I'm playing myself

She's not coming into this 100%, and I think I'm trying to grasp at something that isn't there...

And now it's funny that there has been 2 interruptions of me writing about this. Almost as if its a sign not to really analyze this one too much because I may discover something I really don't want to know.

Why am I keeping with this? I like Lucy a lot. She's one of the few girls without a real agenda that I have met here at school, and I feel so damn comfortable with her that its like I've known her for years. I don't really get butterflies when I'm around her, or feel nervous at all talking to her like I sometimes get with other girls. But sometimes I feel like she's not as willing to dive into it as much as I am. She tells me she sees me as a really good friend, and when we hook up, she doesn't really seem as much into it.

I told her myself that I felt like something was missing. When she asked what was missing, I couldn't say. I guess it's just the feeling that she really does want this. With Heidi and with Raechel, I knew without a doubt that they wanted something to do with me, and that made it seem real. Like there was some kind of excitement because we could make each other happy. Of course I screwed those up with my own stupidity and inexperience, but I know what that feeling is, and I'm not getting that from Lucy this time around. I have to push and push and she sort of goes along with it, but doesn't really seem like its anything out of the ordinary.

I'm her boyfriend because that is the way to keep me as a friend. We hook up because she knows I enjoy it, and that keeps me entertained. She stops by my house because I've done it for her, and she feels obligated to return the favor. This is the way I'm perceiving the things we do together, and she doesn't say all that much to change my perception.

Yet, I know she's the one that is more vulnerable in this relationship. That's the weird part. The way I described it, it would seem like I'M the insecure one. But it's her that fears getting hurt, and losing me. I mean, if I lost her down the line, yes, I would be hurt, but the fact that she's not giving me much reason to believe she's into me to begin with makes it a lot easier to prepare for it. It's like, okay, this just confirms my suspicion as opposed to her being into it and then sometime down the line shocking me by leaving.

My only hope is that she will warm up to the idea and I can actually enjoy a relationship without insecurity or that she comes to grips with what she really wants. Because I can't tell her this, but after even beginning a relationship, we could never go back. It's a line that can be crossed, but can't be stepped back over. I know it would scare her to hear that, because that is the reason she was hesitant to start this in the first place, but its either all or nothing.

The difference is I've been through being alone. It's not fun, but I know it and understand it. And I've been through friendships with girls that have no idea how much I'm hurting on the other end, and that's no fun either. So from that, when I have to choose between torture or solitude, I choose solitude every time. At least, I would in an ideal world.

The thing is, this girl is so hard to figure out, despite the fact that she is so candid and open about her intentions and feelings. She tells me that she likes me as her closest friend, but then acts as if I'm only another distraction for her. She'll tell me she misses me all the time, but then will say that she could be doing the same thing with her roommates. I guess it's just a curse of a fragile ego on my part, but sometimes I want to feel like she actually enjoys spending time with me, as opposed to me being someone she can just dump her feelings onto and not feel a similar care about where I'm coming from. Like I once described much earlier, I don't want to be like this journal to her. Somewhere to get rid of whatever's on your chest and feel better and that's it. If that's actually the case, then maybe it's better off we don't pursue anything more complicated.

I seriously could write probably ten more pages about how bugged out she has gotten me, but I think I'll save it for another time. For now, I'm going to try to enjoy her company, and hope she enjoys mine, and just hope it works out the way I want it to, for both our sakes.