12/14/03 - Well, it's all over.

At least for now. Me and Lucy said our final words, we officially broke up, and now, a yaer and a few months later, I'm once again a single man.

For memory's sake, I'll get it on paper. I've been studying like crazy the past 3 days, and my stress level is through hte roof. My 2 exams seem to be all I can talk to anyone about, whether they want to hear it or not. After writing a paper and studying until about 8:20, I call Lucy. I have to hang up when Sharon picks me up. I call back, talk for about 10 mins, and tell her I have to study. She says "bye". I call back, leave a voice mail asking why she's making me feel guilty for studying. She breaks up with me.

I honestly didn't see that coming. Never did I expect her to end our relationship. She thinks that I don't trust her intentions. She thinks we're on shaky ground if I truly believe she was trying to make me feel guilty.

I don't believe that. I know she was pissed, which I suppose has to do with the fact that I didn't sacrifice my grade in the class to talk to her. I didn't think, and I said something hurtful on her voicemail. I apologized. I don't expect to be forgiven right away, but I didn't think that was grounds to break up with me after a year-plus.

It seems like no matter what I do in this relationship, I can NEVER convince this girl that I love her. I can NEVER convince her that she makes my life better, or that I do miss her when she's away. And it's finally caught up to me. I'm so frustrated with my life right now. Aside from all this short-term shit going on, I just don't know where I'm headed.

Even though I probably shouldn't, I'm going to call her in a few days. I 'll let her settle tomorrow. I have to finish my shit anyways. She's still my best friend, and we're going to remain close friends even after this is all over. That keeps me comforted. The last thing I want is animosity. Even if we can't cut it as boyfriend and girlfriend, that doesn't mean we can't remain friends. I'm going to get her those tickets for the Billy Joel musical. If she wants to go with someone else, that's fine. If she wants to go with me AS A FRIEND, that's fine. Now I really have to study.