12/29/01

Yeah. That's the date. It's about time I start dating my entries for future reference. Guess it starts here.

I'm finally really feeling a need to get my creative juices flowing again. It's been probably about 2 months since I just sat and wrote something. It's been even longer since I've attempted to sketch anything, or even doodle. The past month or so has been dedicated to finals, Christmas shopping, and hanging out. Not to mention playing PS2.

But I'm aching to see if I've lost it. Have I lost my passions? I remember how I used to love nothing more than shooting hoops in my backyard, or just dribbling the ball, inventing my own moves, experimenting with anything I thought might work. But that died. It died for a number of reasons.

First of all, the music I listened to, and the culture I chose to surround myself with was anti-athlete. Come to think of it, punk rock is anti-everything. It doesn't help youth, it discourages it. Unless you strive to play a musical instrument really badly for your friends and basically do anything to piss people off, punk doesn't promote it. It's so much about fashion that there's no room for anyone to grow into a creative individual. That's one big difference between the punk and hip-hop scenes. At the very least, hip-hop rewards talent--balling ability, rhyming ability, etc. Not that it doesn't have its problems, but it doesn't seem as image-intensive.

Anyways, that's got nothing to do with what I'm trying to say. Fact is, I watched that And1 mix tape, and I read about street ballers, and white vs. black athletes, and it just got me thinking what I could be right now if I devoted more time into caring about things and less time into NOT caring.

I think I had, and still have, a decent amount of natural talent. It was always brought out when I would play with the cousins and my uncle. Of course, I was always older, but my uncle always seemed impressed, the cousins always seemed impressed, and even their friends seemed impressed. I always had the highest confidence when playing with them, and that's where I think my talent really shined.

At school, or at home, through, was another story. I always felt intimidated by the more popular kids. I always had the thought in the back of my mind that there was a reason they were more popular, and I just couldn't picture myself being better than them in anything. I did consider myself marginal to that group, so I still felt I could hang with them at ball, but it never occurred to me that the kid that was impressing everybody at my cousin's house was the same kid who was trying out for the school team in middle school and high school. Maybe if I had grown up knowing only that confidence, I wouldn't be able to see it any other way. Maybe my skills could have truly shined, then.

Of course, there are physical attributes that prevent me from quickly mastering certain things in the game. I'm only about 5'4"-5'5", first of all. Also, I have pretty small hands and small feet--not b'ball traits. And also, I never was as in good of shape as I am now, and even now a lot of kids are in better shape than me. So, if you were to look at me, you would not see a ball player. I was short, chubby, had small hands and feet, and lacked self-confidence.

The good thing about that is that I've toned down, and I've gained my self-confidence, mostly through hanging out with my crew. That did wonders for me as a person. And also, I did have good attributes that hopefully carry over to me as a 19 year old that were part of me as a 14-15 year old. The aforementioned talent, my ball-handling skills, my first step that has yet to consistently fail me, my aggressiveness around the rim and even in post-up situations, and my awareness of the court and what's going on. I honestly feel that I possess these skills from the amount of time I did put into the game when I was younger. I just hope they didn't fade over time. I mean, I can now visualize beating someone off the dribble, but do I have the experience and practice to back it up?

If John Smith or Ryan J. or Kyle R. kept their practicing and are as progressively good now as then, would I be able to beat them?

Basically what this is asking is: was confidence the only thing missing? Was that lack of confidence the only reason I couldn't run with them? Or was there a talent or harder work ethic that went into it?

Call it false confidence, but I feel I can run with anybody now that I'm semi-in-shape and don't back down mentally. I'm glad I'll get the opportunity to attempt to show it first-hand next Tuesday at that school thing. This means a lot more to me than I thought it would. It's not just a way to kill time and get in shape for our Backyard Fighting on January 11, but it's a second-chance, a way to prove to myself that I do have the skill and mental capacity to be what I want to be.