3/22/02 - It's time to write again, just for the sake of writing

It seems I've lost the ability to sit here and articulate life so deeply so as to actually make it clearer to myself and have a better understanding of where I'm coming from.

I want that back.

Maybe it's because of the severe structure I'm under that comes with college. Maybe it's because I get so much more emotion and all out when I'm with my friends. Maybe I've become that much more secure in myself, and I have to direct my writing away from the introspective focus it once had, and start articulating things I don't know as well as myself.

That seems to be the best explanation for this writer's block I've been experiencing. It's the easiest thing in the world to write about yourself and any emotional/physical/financial/social/etc problems you're facing. All your energy is in you, and you seem to come up with sort of an internal dialogue that when written on paper, becomes much clearer and your arguments take more of a tangible form.

I still go through those dialogues in my head, as does every human being with a given problem to work out. So why can't I get them on paper in a coherent manner anymore?

I'm far from completely secure in myself. I still suffer from an unexplainable lack of female companionship. That, in addition to some other social ills, is my main problem.

The thing is, I find myself hesitating when I begin to write about this topic, which means I'm hesitating to really think about it.

What exactly am I looking for? I know a quick fuck won't give me any long-term satisfaction, but maybe it will LEAD to long-term satisfaction, if that makes any sense. Let me explain.

I get my rock off, which leads to a change in demeanor, at least for a short while. In this limited time, maybe my confidence is boosted and I find it easier to talk to certain girls in ways I was prevented from doing earlier. With the ice broken, even after that limited time has passed, maybe those girls become potentials to get back in that zone, keeping the cycle alive. And possibly in those hook-ups, I find a girl I connect with on a higher level and I'm at long-term satisfaction.

I dunno. It's just a theory. And it begins with Amy#1. I have every opportunity to test this theory if I want to, but the problem with that is there are also a couple conflicting theories floating around my head regarding outcomes of that.

The scariest of these is if she's not clean. And that is probably the number one reason that is preventing me from doing this. Both Eric and Craig have had her, and Eric swears she's clean, but how can I be sure? No doubt I'll wear a rubber either way, but even if she IS clean, how will I know?

This leads me to another factor--the backfire. Instead of boosting my confidence and increasing my chances of all that, maybe I'll get paranoid and back out of future opportunities. (note-I always find myself re-phrasing things over and over , and can never really find the words for a lot of what I'm writing about when this topic comes up. That could be pointing to an unhealthy outlook on it.)

Anyways, for such a stupid, meaningless decision, a lot is sure riding on it. And that's what makes me so frustrated with the whole thing.

Now, I'm starting to drift into the whole aesthetics of it all, and losing focus of what I'm writing about, which is another difficulty in writing about this topic. It can't be purely logical, because there seems to be this unexplainable aura that also pulls me apart.

So, I guess I'll just jump in and explore without using words and reason, from here on out. I'm done.