I love Lucy. And I hope she feels the same about me. But I might not be the right one for her. I mean, I'm always willing to be there for her, and she does make me happy by being there for me, but it almost feels like I don't deserve her.
She wears her heart on her sleeve and shows her emotions in every situation. And she really is a good-hearted person. The problem is that I've become very cynical and bitter and grown somewhat of a thick skin to the people around me. Things don't get to me like they used to. I don't feel as insulted if someone laughs at me. I don't curl up and hide away if I'm being attacked anymore. I've built a defense mechanism for it. I haven't cried since my Grampa's funeral in 11th Grade, and before that I can't remember when. I've become much more secluded and cold. I DO feel for people, but I don't personally get as affected as I used to.
Lucy has never gone through that change. She is as caring and empathetic as she most likely always was. She never went through the dramatic changes I did, by meeting up with the crew and changing my perspective on things.
What kind of an unfeeling bastard am I, when Lucy is crying and I can't even figure out what to say? I'm dead silent on the other line, and I'm just waiting for her to say something. I don't know how to comfort her, I don't know why exactly she's crying, all I know to do is defend myself. So I ask: "Is there anything else you want to say?" and she says "Yeah I guess you better go watch The Simpsons now"
Then I blow up.
I don't know why it feels good to yell at somebody, but sometimes all that frustration has to get released. But once it's over, I'm quick to apologize.
Who the hell knows.
I don't know what she's thinking, and I don't know how to fix our dilemma. Because its not something we can really work on. She has her opinion, based on her life experiences, and I have mine, based on the way I was brought up and the experiences I've been through.
Maybe this isn't going to work. It's not something I can really work on. And I can't stop hanging out with the crew. It all comes down to whether she's going to accept me for who I am. And I have to be prepared to deal with the consequences if not. If---
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