4/27/02- Empty

Well, I'm writing in here again, which means there must be something going on in my life that I need to get off my chest, right? Wrong. Just the opposite, actually. I have nothing going for me right now, and I'm beginning to feel really empty.

Between not having a place for next year, not knowing when the hell I'll ever get a girl, and thinking about the few real friends I've made in my life to this point, things seem out of place.

But maybe I'm over-dramatizing everything to explain the lack of energy I have right now. I don't know, I really don't ask for much in life, I don't think, just to feel happy, really. But I guess it takes a lot to get to that point, so maybe I am.

It's funny, that the stupid thing on the internet that's designed to put a scare into you, I actually enjoyed. It actually made me feel something, which is more than I can say about a lot of other things in my life. And maybe I'm wallowing in it more than I should, but it's almost as if I'm comfortable when I'm sad and lonely. I don't have to explain myself, and I can use it as a crutch when it comes to actual interaction.

But everything feels empty recently. Go to a party on the ag campus on field day, a bunch of phony smiles, no one wants real emotion. I met a girl, her name was Irene. She seemed cool; smart, good sense of humor, into music, down to earth. So we talked for a little bit, but all of a sudden, she is attracted to Josh and Doug. All they really have to do is show up, and it's instant attraction. It makes me wonder if I just don't realize my ugliness, because honestly, I don't see it. Not to sound conceited, but I always considered myself a good-looking guy, and I thought I was right, but I guess there's something about me that repels people.

So anyway, she walks off with Doug, takes his number, and that's that. She's now Doug's situation, not mine. And I guess I can't hate on Doug for it, because he's just trying to find a girl like myself, but the whole situation kinda got me down. I thought a second chance was in store for me through Alicia's friend Elsie, but turns out they left the party they were at early, and she took off.

So it's just me again. And I guess I'm okay and everything. Not any big problems in my life. But there just seems to be something missing. I hope I can fulfill that emptiness.