5/8/03- Funny how not much has changed in the past couple weeks.

Me and Lucy are still shaky, and I'm about to get the first C (or worse) of my college career. The exact same things I was writing about a month ago.

It seems like no matter what I do or say for Lucy, it is not going to make her happy. And I can tell that it's starting to take its toll on me. I do love her, because I want to do whatever possible to help her. And I'm pretty sure she loves me, because of the way she is around me. The only problem is, I don't feel that closeness we used to have when we're not together. On the phone or on IM, she just seems distant and it feels like there's something else on her mind. And it always takes such great pains for me to get it out of her. Then the worst part is, once it IS out, she starts crying, and tells me there's nothing I can do to help. This only serves to make me feel like shit, because I feel like I'm causing my girlfriend to sink into depression.

And now we've got these changes, with Brianne moving out, not allowing Lucy to sleep over here anymore, with me getting a full-time job, and Lucy going back to school in September, her mom coming back soon, etc...

I think that might be the reason for the tightness in my chest and all. I never even considered this to be stress, but I have to face it--all this shit IS stressing me out, and I can't even think about escaping from it. This fucking 6 page paper is going to suck so bad. I'm going to get a C if I'm lucky, considering he didn't once teach in the class and he hands out grades like nothing.

I seriously can't take it. I have work tomorrow morning, an exam tomorrow evening, then I have to call that motherfucker and try to figure something out or else fail his class. And all the while Lucy won't tell me what's bothering her, so I'm just assuming the worst. I can feel my heart beat faster when I think about it. Feels like it's gonna beat right out of my chest.

I always say the wrong thing to her. Nothing I say is right anymore. But "psych major"'s words are golden. It's not jealousy at all, because I know if the roles were reversed and he was her bf, and I was the random stranger, that she would agree w/ me. I can only be me. I'm not trying to change for anybody. Not Eric and the crew, not Lucy, nobody. I will accommodate Lucy's needs, because I love her, and I will change some of my mannerisms for her sake, but I can't change my beliefs. They stay rock solid.