6/6/02 - I'm alone in a couple senses of the word

I'm starting to live by myself for the summer for 4 days out of the week in the college town, and I live as isolated as possible from people in the basement here, but what I'm referring to most is that I'm 20 years old and I honestly don't know if or when I'll ever find a girl.

Surprisingly in light of this fact, I'm not really depressed or incredibly lonely. It's more embarrassment, and the feeling that I'm missing out. I guess I feel that because it's never really happened for me, and I don't really fully know what I'm missing.

It used to be a single girl that I would focus on. I would mildly obsess over her, try my hardest to figure out what to do to get her, and then lament over the impossibility of that dream. Sadly, it seems that things have gotten worse. At the very least, I knew what it was I wanted back then. Today, I don't even have that luxury. I went from unattainable goal to nonexistent goal, or at least not one I'm fully conscious of.

What I wouldn't give to be in a situation like I was in freshman year, with Raechel. Had I known that in one year, all those people I made sure weren't offended would go on to turn their backs on me, I would have done what I felt like doing and gone for her. Yes, I regret the way I handled the situation. I chose, quite naively, what I perceived to be potential long-term friendships over what could have been anything from a really good time while it lasted, or even a long-term relationship with a girl I could stand. So as not to piss off my "friends", I ended it. I thought Ronnie, Grace, and Melody would be so proud of me. I dropped the weird quiet girl.

Little did I realize that maybe I'm the weird, quiet boy to certain people. Those three never returned the favor. It had nothing to do with romance, but I had an attachment to them. I felt comfortable with them. I could really talk to them. But, it's all relative, I guess. Perceptions are a bitch. So, yeah, again, I regret it, but I've learned from it. I'll never let it happen again, as far as I consciously can.

But when the hell am I going to get the opportunity? I mean, I love that I have friends that genuinely care about me. Without them, I don't know what I would do. The problem is, I want more. Everyone seems to be finding their place and finding someone to compliment them nicely. Craig's found Jessica, who I have told him is like a perfect compliment to his personality. Matt and Mandie is a little shakier (or I guess a lot shakier) but at least there's something there. Doug's found Irene, which honestly angers me to no end, since he met her by interrupting our conversation at that party. If only I had gotten her number that night, who knows what could have happened. But anyways--

--

Even last summer, I thought Christina or Heidi were potentials. Of course it was misguided, but at least it gave me some semblance of hope. I had a name and a face to strive for. Not it's just an abstraction. They're off doing their thing at Seaside, and they have more than likely wiped me out of their minds for good. I'm done talking to them or thinking about any potential what ifs, but those three won't ever be wiped clear, I don't think. Just like Rebecca, just like Alicia, and just like Mary. Foul women that didn't even know what they meant to me at the time, and never will. It's the same with Christina and Amy#2, and almost even with Heidi, although with her, things did go at least SOMEWHERE.

But the past is the past. Yes, I regret mistakes I make. Everyone does, despite what they might say. But I learn from these mistakes. I have so many regrets, it almost pains me to rethink them. All in all, I can only hope they shape me as an individual, strengthen and build my character, and make me more well-rounded in the future.

I guess I just have to remain patient and await opportunities to come to me. Seems like a pretty simple plan.