7/1/02 - Funny that the day I decide to pick this book up again

...is after seeing Doug and Irene driving off and feeling disgusted with my life. Funny because the last thing I wrote in this dealt with the night he took her.

I wrote that night out of jealousy and confusion. But that's how I felt then, and I guess it's how I feel now. I just don't know if it's in my being to ever be in a position like they are. I always second guess anything I do, and that hesitation usually leads to regret in some way or another. I've got to stop focusing on what's wrong with me, because by my judgment, I'm the most normal person in the world.

I think I'm just cursed with a gift of extreme empathy. I see things through the eyes of other people better than the average person, which makes it really hard to form my own self-image. I'm so many different people to everyone in my life, and I take on those images, and try my best to turn them into a coherent human being. But that's impossible. It's impossible to unite contradictions, because of their very nature. Instead I'm forced to live as an infinite number of people, because I know what people expect from me, and I give it to them. I honestly don't know which of them is most genuine, or if they're all just as genuine as one another. They can't be united into a simpler laid out formula, but that's probably what can be said about anyone.

I do know that I'm tortured. The simplest thing in the world, like holding a conversation, is such a monumental task to me. I simply don't have the skill, or the confidence, to just up and flow with anything I come into contact with. And that'll always be my greatest barrier.

I see people in terms of genuine or fake. People can be nice to me, but I just can't trust anyone. Like I was thinking before, unless they give me no other choice but to like them, I am going to always have my doubts. It's why it took me so long to become friends with Eric, or Craig, or Bubba. I always keep in mind scenarios in which they would ditch me, or talk bad about me. There's no doubt in my mind that Courtney, Doug, Josh, and them would turn their back on me in a second if it meant a bettering of themselves.

On the other hand, Matt, Eric, Craig, Bubba, and Fat Mike would not ever conceivably do something like that. Shit, it's ALREADY HAPPENED with Doug, so speculation is over with him. He's now an enemy, I don't care how dramatic that sounds. When I look at him, I see a rat. Someone that doesn't care who he has to step on to fulfill his own interests. He's just a typical spoiled whiny rich kid who wants everything and will do whatever it takes to get it.

I didn't sense that trait in Aaron or Aziz. And of course I don't sense it in Curtis. Those three were some of the most genuine people I've ever lived with, because they were true, and they didn't care who saw their inconsistencies. And that is what I strive to be, above all else. I strive to be a genuine person, with a genuine soul.

When others look at me, I never want to be spited, and I never want to look as if I'm a rat. This comes above all else, which brings me back to a quiet night by myself. Feeling lonely and isolated. Does one tie into the other? Am I just too damn nice for my own good? Or should everything I do be methodical, attempting to push an agenda and fulfill my interests above anything else.

My conscience won't let me live that way. I never want to be viewed by another person the way I look at Doug. I never want someone to consider me that low of a form of life. And this isn't even a conscious decision I've made. It's just a part of who I am. And that thread holds together every contradictory, inconsistent part of my personality.