7/27/04 - So apparently we've lost what we once had.

Strange, because I'm still the same person. Has she changed? I don't think so. So it must be the way we perceive the relationship or something.

If I wrote something down every single time we fought, I'd have a book longer than the bible in a month.

Last Tuesday, she says "Don't say you'll do anything for me ever again". This came after I decided to buzz my head because it was hot and uncomfortable the way it was. Yesterday, it was silence for a long while, making me damn near have a panic attack just wondering why the hell she could possibly be mad. Then she calls me and tells me she's just angry about school.

Today, because I couldn't think of an embarrassing story from high school, and I refused to get in the whole "what if I had a..." discussion again, all of a sudden I'm "boring", I "never tell her anything", and we "don't click anymore". Here's the random thoughts that entered my mind during this conversation:

First of all, I only called to say good night, hear her voice, and let her hear mine before we both drifted off to sleep. Of course if I said this to her she'd say something along the lines of me never wanting to talk to her and we'd fight. (lets see how many of these paths lead to a fight)

I also wanted to tell her that I don't talk to her as much because I honestly CAN'T be candid with her (at least not completely) because that always tends to lead to us fighting, or to her cutting me off. She can tell me about a book she's been reading for an hour, or talk to me about the entire premise of Dawson's Creek or One Tree Hill, and I'll sit there and listen to every damn word she says. She asks me to just sit on the phone with her in silence while she studies, and I oblige without hesitation. But the second I bring up an episode of Sopranos or a movie that I want to see, she immediately cuts me off on some "lets not talk about that". Do you know how hard it is to be expected to sing and dance for you when you keep stopping me from doing that?

There are also certain things I just can't say around her in general. I could never admit that I was ever attracted to any other female ever in my life, because she is at heart a very jealous human being. She's become obsessed with a girl that I dated and slept with FIVE YEARS AGO and she won't let me live down the fact that I didn't save myself for her even though I wasn't to meet her until two years later! She wants me to be someone that I'm not sometimes, and sometimes I find myself taking on that role just to please her.

Maybe we have nothing interesting to talk about because we talk for hours on end EVERY FUCKING DAY of the week! I want to go a day where I can send her a text message in the morning, get one back, maybe send a few more back and forth during the day, live our own lives otherwise, then talk for a brief 10-20 minutes at night to say good night. Then, when we actually hang out later that week, we'll have plenty to talk about because it will actually be refreshing to see one another instead of just fulfilling our duties.

I genuinely missed her today, which is a feeling I don't get very often anymore. I CAN'T miss her, because every time I get a second to myself, I know that she's out there waiting for me to call/text/IM/email her. Maybe if we actually had separate lives, I might be inclined to miss her, and maybe our conversations would be a little better than the pattern that we go through now, which is usually:

sweet talking -- discussing our days -- cute banter -- her accusing me of something --me backed into a corner trying to defend myself -- her being silent and difficult -- ending the conversation on a bad note

Plus it almost ALWAYS ends with me saying "I love you" and her either saying "ok", "good night", "good bye", or just plain hanging up on me.

Apparently I've been a terrible boyfriend throughout this relationship. I've committed the following atrocities that have led to fights: made fun of a kid I used to hang out with (Steven) to Craig at dinner, cut my hair, played a game of Scattergories with my roommates, told her I'd be less attracted to her if she had a penis, had sex with another girl 2 years before I even met Lucy, played cards with my uncle and my cousins, and now, couldn't think of an amusing anecdote about my awkward high school years.

I'm "boring" to talk to. Oh, she apologized and took it back, but then said it about 10 more times in other ways right after that. Apparently, we don't click anymore. I guess I just don't understand her.

I really don't want this to fall in the wrong hands, because its just me venting and I might not even mean half the shit I say, but it feels good to say it anyway. Were it not for this wedding in September, I might be a lot more confrontational about all of this. I want to be able to tell her when something is bothering me, because that's the only way I'M ever going to truly be happy. I sometimes think to myself that maybe she is too immature for me, and by breaking up with her, she will gain that perspective and maturity by realizing that there are consequences for your actions, and I'm not going to sit back and take this mental abuse much longer.

Honestly, how much more berating and humiliation can I take before I snap? How many times can I be called boring, or ugly, or a chauvinist, even if said in jest, before I start believing it myself? Just because I'm giving you the opportunity to say wahtever you want and act however the fuck you want to doesn't mean you have to take full advantage of it! Maybe you can actually take my feelings into account every once in a while and realize that lashing out at me time and time again DOES affect me and DOES take its toll on me after a while.

I started going out with you because you were someone I cared about--someone who I could see some of myself in. A humble, self-deprecating at times, girl that is open with me and also makes me feel good about myself. Now, it seems like at least 3 days of every week, you go out of your way to make me feel like absolute shit about myself, and not believe that I'm the same person I was.

Maybe I AM boring. Maybe I AM ugly. Maybe I DON'T know what the fuck I'm talking about. And the less I think of myself, the more I want to become that proud man who I once was. And if the only way for me to find that self-love and happiness is to go my separate way, then maybe that's what I have to do.