I feel kinda bad.

I was supposed to hang out with Amy#2 over this weekend, but instead I hung out with Eric. What was I to do? He calls me, at school, and asks if I want to hang out the next day. Of course I have to say yes, and immediately Amy#2 is pushed aside and moved to Sunday. I called her and tried to plan something out, but with me not having a car and her working for 8 hours today, we missed each other. If I had a car, I would be at Shop Rite in a second and I would offer to hang out any time over the weekend. But I don't, and I hope she realizes that I tried and didn't just blow her off.

It sucks when I try to write with distractions. My true thoughts and feelings are in here somewhere, but I can't fully express them because my brain waves are in an alpha state when they should be in a beta state, or something like that.

Also, this paper is not ideal for writing, as my notebooks are. So I'll run down some thought bites, and if I elaborate, then so be it: the house and living with Courtney next year, seeing my mother as only a source of income, and doing things with her only out of guilt or the fact that I'm scared I won't get that income, Amy#2 and hoping she will be okay with what happened this weekend and forgive me, getting a haircut soon, not visiting my cousins or grandma, my fucked up computer and hoping to god it'll be fixed. I wish it were fixed before spring break, but it probably won't be. Doing nothing for spring break while everyone else goes to Florida or Cancun or somewhere else, Eric's disgusting interpretation of a relationship--"I'm getting any pussy possible when I go to Montreal. Hopefully once a night, but we'll see. What happens in Canada stays there". Never talking to Ronnie again outside of when she visits "everyone". The loss of "me" replaced by "we". Getting all my schoolwork done for college, trying to hook up with Raechel again, or Heidi, possibly. Have to get a car soon, and getting a job to pay my mom when she gets it for me. Meanwhile, my other one is dead. Need more music in my life, but my computer's dead, Napster's gonna be gone, and I have no money to go and buy CD's anymore. My friendships with Melody, the rowers, Josh, Washington Josh, Amy#2, Alicia, Dan, Grace, Ronnie, anybody--trying to become or remain better or good friends with them all.

Life isn't as simple as mapped out to be.