Icebreaker

I always hesitate to start writing in this book when I start to feel something. I guess it's because I can't really pinpoint what is bothering me, so that will lead to sub-par and unfocused writing. Who do I care?

No one else is reading this. It's not getting published. Embarrassing writing should be the same as embarrassing masturbation--completely personal. I can always skip over the shit if I leaf back one day. I can always burn and send to hell the stuff I don't want to remember. So, I'm gonna break the ice of shitty writing now.

It occurred to me that this was the summer I found my true friends. I found that sense of fulfillment I always write and think about. And I don't know how I ever lived without them. Seriously.

I guess trial and error's the only way to figure out if people are right for you. Pre-judgment doesn't work. Hearsay doesn't work. There aren't stat cards on people because nothing is that cut and dry. I wrote a long time ago about how I feel a connection with nerds and the like. Not necessarily the Pauls and Steve F's, who change their identities to try to fit in (and fail miserably), but the true legitimate outcasts.

And another thing. When I say outcast, I don't mean rich snobs that act like assholes in order to cut themselves from potential friendships so they can remain in one scene. I mean almost the opposite of that--those who are the ones cut. People whose personalities are far too soft-edged and easygoing to sit at the big table. If someone has criteria set before he/she talks to someone, be it looks, how much they can drink, who their OTHER friends are, etc, etc, I can't ever regard them as being a true friend.

So my friends don't pre-judge. We, out of human nature, remain skeptical sometimes, we might get defensive, or our societally-driven prejudices might inflate a little, but we don't seem to let them get the best of us.

So, pretty much, I am closer to Eric than I am with my family. I don't *hate* anyone in my family, but there are people I just don't feel that closeness with. And I'm not being vague for the sake of being vague, either. I don't know who EXACTLY I'm talking about or what exactly I feel for anyone, but generally, I'm happy when I'm with my friends. And I'm generally unhappy at home. So that's gotta mean something.

It's all very choppy and confusing, but I'll continue to stick with my friends throughout the school year and I'm going to hold them in the highest regard as long as they return the favor.

More specifically...

I feel kinda bad going to Eric's pretty much every night, while leaving the sister at home by herself. I enjoy it here, with just me and her, but on the other hand, I would feel just as badly calling off going to Eric's for no particular reason. So I'll hang out a little with the sister, maybe watch Family Guy or at least tape it, and sleep at Eric's for our weekly breakfast.

Also, financial problems are still getting to me. I'm gonna have to pay $50 extra on next month's rent, because the landlord got it late, also, I'm gonna have to buy those CD's soon from Josh, which is going to cost me another $35, and I pray to god I don't get a ticket for driving an uninspected car, which I'm going to be doing until next Tuesday, because that's like a $120 ticket, and would completely fuck up my money situation.

So, once school starts, I'll be getting about $60/week. Or $120 every 2 weeks, to be more accurate. Of that, I'll probably give mom $50 and put $20 away in the bank, giving me $50 to spend. This should add up to $100/month for 9 months to mom, thus paying off my debt by the end of the year--

Of course, there will be other things costing me money, and mom might have to cover me, so this is just an ideal situation. I have to put heat/A/C in my car, I might have to get my computer professionally fixed, and who knows what else will cost me money, so that could be where the other $50 and $20 go instead of to me.

Either way, a lot of changes are going to take place soon, but change is fluid. It doesn't come in chapters that can be closed so easily. Just new opportunities on a different given day. Gotta make the best out of them.