It's funny how a stupid mistake from a girl I am loosely connected with can have such an impact on my life. The private school situation is in a shambles. I really don't think I should pursue anything with Christina now because of the whole Amy#2 cheating on Craig thing. I'm still kind of in disbelief and don't know exactly what to think of that. Was she raped? I don't think so. I think she was just manipulated and used. She said that she wanted to stop, but she didn't, because she was probably scared. It's just sad that her next step of a relationship (sexually) had to come in a situation like that.
So it's completely over now between Craig and Amy#2. And me and Craig are starting to become good friends in the aftermath. On account of this, I don't think it would be right to be affiliated with Amy#2 in any way. So, my plans to try to get with Christina are subsequently dropped then, because I would end up seeing a lot more of Amy#2, and I wouldn't know how to act. I honestly can sort of understand her position. She wanted someone to love her and she thought Craig wasn't affectionate enough, so this Anthony kid steps in and pours his heart out to her. I wonder if Amy#2 realizes it was all bullshit to get her to chug his dick? That's about as low as you can get right there. Giving false emotion like that, saying you "love" someone just to get a blowjob is on the borderline of date rape, especially if the next day you go out looking for chicks.
So Amy#2 was kind of manipulated, but in the end, it still was her decision, and to me, that's selfish. Of course she regrets it, but that doesn't make up for anything. Some people can't appreciate what they have, so they go and fuck it up because they want more. They want it all. But people have to realize that you can't have it all. Try to genuinely appreciate what you have, because you might not always have that privilege.
But still, in the back of my head, I want to pursue something with Christina. Then a thought pops into my head that says I have no shot with her anyways. Then I think "I can get her, I just have to be me". And then it comes full circle and I say to myself that I shouldn't even try in the first place. I don't know. I'm just lonely. I'm a lonely guy just looking for a little excitement and some love. I try not to be so jaded, following Noel's example...and it truly helps.
I just have to live like that. Free and easy. Like a tantric dream. I control my destiny, but I can't let it interfere with my euphoria. Decisions like these don't change anything. I don't live a "sliding doors" type life, where a decision I make makes my life better or worse. Instead it just changes things. I have moments in my life where it's hard and moments where it's great. I just have to let my spirit strengthen with each passing moment and try to love. I was such an angry kid, and I guess I still am. It is tough living in this house, but I have to learn to deal with it.
Tomorrow is my catch-up day. I want to call Grace, Ronnie, Melody, and anyone else I feel like talking to and share myself with them.
Okay, I'm done. This didn't really go anywhere, but I'll continue to write nonsense at 2:30 AM because I feel that little flame in me start to burn.
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