"The rich kids never understood

But I don't care, I can fade away to anywhere
don't stop, cuz you might get dropped,
And if you do, who's gonna pick you up
well I won't, well I won't
They always played a slow song"

Damn, things done changed. Going away to college and leaving my true friends for the first time in my life. I was kind of afraid I'D be the one going through changes, growing up, and eventually growing apart.

But right now I'm sitting idly by and watching Eric become born-again. And it's scary.

Just 2 weeks ago, when I came home, Eric was his usual jokey, uncensored, self. We had a good serious talk with me and him, and Craig in the backyard, where Eric admitted that he acts the way he does because he feels that if he isn't "on" and entertaining us all the time, he's scared we wouldn't hang out with him anymore. And I had an inkling of that. Despite the crazy shit he said and did, whether making racist jokes, yelling out his car at people, or acting like an asshole to random strangers for our amusement, I always knew his heart was in the right place. So, I had expected him to kind of gradually settle down to the point where we would grow up to be somewhat mellow. All of us. Me, Eric, Craig, Jackson, Fat Mike, and Matt.

But what I saw yesterday was something I NEVER expected to see. He had completely dropped every aspect of his personality that could be considered "sinful". Here he was, the kid that could talk the best game I've ever heard, the kid that single-handedly "corrupted" me, the kid with the filthiest mouth I had ever heard, saying things like "long as heck" or "OMG". He had given up swearing. He's stopped having sex. He won't flip the middle finger. He's giving away all his porn.

Damn, this hit like a ton of bricks.

I think a lot of this has to do with the Trade Center bombings from the 11th. It may have put a lot into perspective for him. His mother always pushes for him to go to church anyways, so with that motivation, plus the friendship of Fat Mike, it finally pushed him over the edge and he did it.

And I'm not sure about how I feel about it. Somehow I fear that this could provide just enough distance between the two of us to push us apart. I kinda fear that the way I act, which, by the way, is heavily influenced by him, will ironically be clashing with his new way of life. That somehow, even if he doesn't consciously realize it, he'll be judging me. Every time I say the word "fuck", I know he'll internally cringe, and he'll look at me, in the black-and-white world much of organized religion teaches, as a sinner.

I can't help but wonder how much this is going to change things. Will we be able to hang out like we used to? Just me and him, and maybe Craig, just watching TV and talking about chicks, or going on the internet grossing each other out, or cracking on each other with big smiles on our faces. I don't know, honestly And I know it sounds incredibly selfish, but I don't want to lose those parts of our friendship.

Even if we still kinda do these things, I won't be able to help but wonder just how much of what he says or does is contrived, and not just a natural instinct. Because I don't want him to phony out for me, either. I love this kid, and while it's good to see him growing up, I don't think I like how changed he's becoming.

I'm in an emotional time in my life. I've almost cried twice in the past week. Once when I was laying in bed, at school, mentally going over a fantasy conversation with my mother about how her lifestyle has so restricted a lot of aspects of my life, and again driving home from the college town, listening to "As the Footsteps Die Out Forever" by Catch 22 about his mother dying, but telling her son not to worry about her even as she suffers in her last days.

It's funny how in both instances, I thought about what it would be like if I were separated from my mother, and I didn't like how I felt. I know now that I truly do love my mother. She's not only a source of income or a person to help me out through practical problems. She brought me to this earth and raised me properly without the luxuries of a husband, adequate money, or a socially accepted lifestyle. I realize now how much she has sacrificed for me and the sister, and for that, I am forever grateful. But I guess I'm just perpetually frustrated that I can't live the same life that all other kids do around me. I always think, despite any problems these kids may have, at least they can escape them or talk about them or fight them in some way. The overall problem I have is one in which there is no set course of action. There are no easy answers. I can't hide it for the rest of my life, obviously. I also can't go the rest of my life scared to bring friends and potential girlfriends home in fear that they may find out. I've got to instead face my fears and risk hitting rock bottom. I think if I can grow the balls to risk it, then I'll be man enough to accept the consequences despite what they might be.

On any rate though, I'm just thinking that at this point in my life, my boys are the best thing I've got going for me. I'll continue to work my ass off at school, I'll continue to remain friendly with Aaron, Derrick, Curtis, Josh, Aziz, Courtney, and Ian at college, I'll try and make the best of my current situation, but I know that I've got true happiness out there. I know that there's ALWAYS a place to turn where I can vent, ALWAYS an ear to listen, and that makes me happy.

I guess that's why I'm so disturbed by Eric's change. I just don't want to lose him as a friend. He's my best friend in the world, and I don't want shit getting ruined by our different views on religion or the way we should behave or anything like that. I hope that when he prays at night, that he's praying for us to all be accepted, and not for us "misguided souls" to "see the light".

Things done changed.