Time is the master and the master is time

Well, it's been a while. I can't remember the last time I really had the freedom to just sit in my bed and map out my thoughts. So much... well, so very little has changed even though so much has happened.

I never really got exceptionally deep in any writings over the school year, possibly because I didn't really have the time or motivation. A couple things really stand out both from my writings and from my own memories. Sharon annoying the piss out of me. Becoming great friends with Ronnie and Melody. Trying to figure out my place among everyone in the dorm and in the school. The Usual.

Not much has changed at all. It's funny, before college I had such a different view of where I would be. The experience itself was pretty much as expected--new friends, sexual experience, alcohol, lots of work--but how it would affect me is where I was off. Throughout high school, my mantra was "I don't need anyone". I made it clear to myself inside and out. I tried not to let any situation with anyone hurt me too much, because I could always say "I don't need them" "I'm my own man" blah, blah...

But who the fuck was I fooling? If I made one mistake, that was it. Remaining isolated, alone, autonomous, out of my own free will. Sure, I had a good reason to stay away from a lot of people (Josh F. comes to mind, and Brett), but I associated their friends with them and since they were so popular, I didn't have many other options. I kept that same mindset with the crew guys when I first started college. And that's sad, because had I not lived with them for the year, I would have never discovered how cool a lot of them could end up being.

So what I've learned from that is not to judge (mostly male) people before you get any background on them or try hanging out with them for a least a little while. I could say this about Raphael and Pip. I never met them, but already I resent them because they're friends with Heidi and she talks about them more than she does me. So, I've changed in that regard.

What I'm most surprised about though, is that I haven't changed in the whole chick dept. I still think about Christina, Heidi, and Amy#2 on a daily basis, although their internet diaries probably have a LOT to do with it. With Heidi, I really don't know what to think. Apparently she's "in love" with Raphael, and far be it from me to stop that. Plus she still gets my vote for whitest girl in the world, as well as Girl Most Likely Never to Get Out of the Late 80's. When we talk on the phone, she's usually doing something else distracting her from the conversation. When we're in person, I feel very physically attracted to her, but that's about where it ends. She's really immature...like REALLY immature about stuff, and we don't really click the way I would like to click with a girl.

Amy#2 seems to have lost all interest in me, as a friend or otherwise, mostly because she already has Craig to talk to. I guess only one person with a dick is allowed to have any part of her life, so I kind of break the one-dick limit. Now, I do regret telling Eric what she said at Heidi's and I truly meant my apology, so that should be behind us. But a bitch like her, she seems to only talk to a guy if 1- she likes him or 2-she can bitch about the guy she likes. I should have figured that out a looong time ago whenever we used to go to the break room and talk about (aaah) Tim.

Finally, we have Christina, who is a fucking enigma. Seriously. Who knows what this chick thinks? Not me, for damn sure. I mean, she's attempted suicide, chain smokes, cheats on guys (or girls, I guess), and seems to attract scumbags, and is a cutter. Yet, I'm VERY MUCH attracted to her. Maybe it's because she's (surprisingly) the most sane, level-headed, mature one of the bunch. How can I say that? I really don't know. I think that I say it because despite her personal problems (of which she has many), she doesn't bitch and whine, and expect everyone to cater to her every need, like Heidi and Amy#2 to. Jesus, Heidi and Amy#2 seem like cartoon characters, like a fucking comedy team when compared to Christina. And I'm aware of the irony of me bitching about them bitching. It's not lost on me. But, I think there's a distinction between our bitching. I haven't quite pin-pointed it, but I know it's there. Maybe its' because they don't have a LONG-TERM problem like I do? I hate to use that to make myself a tragic figure in everything I do, but it does have a profound effect on me, so I think it's justified in most cases.

ANYway, back to Christina, she has become the girl I really am most interested in, not only out of the private school chicks, but in my life right now. It might simply be that she's superficially hot as hell, but I like to think it runs deeper than that. I thought Raechel was hot, but I put an end to our thing pretty quickly. That, however, is a whole other rant. No, I think I'm truly interested in Christina, and not just her ass, although that's all I'll tell Eric and Craig if they ask, because despite what HAS changed about me, I still think VERY differently than them...

It's kinda funny, though how I thought I would have this whole new life away from everybody at Shop Rite and high school and the hometown. I mean, I DO, with the whole crew crew and 45 and all, but in the end, I didn't MOVE ON from the others, I simply added more to my plate. I simply gained more experience. It wasn't something that pulled me from those at home, it simly added to it. In the end, I'm still pining over the private school chicks, still hanging out with Eric, still the same Brian I always was. And while my musical taste has changed (which used to pretty much define who I was) somewhat, and I no longer have feelings for Alicia or Mary or them, and I no longer strive to be part of the scene (no matter how much I denied it, I always deep down felt a need to be part of it), I still pretty much have the same general problems, I still sit alone and think, I still feel like I'm the only person on Earth by himself at times, I still get bouts of depression when I'm listening to the same song over and over on my CD player in my dark room on a warm, sunny day, I still strive for change, I still get emotionally fucked over by my mother, everything that hurt me still hurts me, everything that made me smile makes me smile, I'm still Brian. I'll always be. No big changes in my life will ever change who I am. And that may be a great thing to know.