Well, I've got something worth writing, at least.

I feel so fucking alone right now. It's like everyone's in their own world but me. Watching Raechel make out with that other guy wasn't something I needed to see tonight. When she wanted me, I felt needed and wanted. I love that feeling. Not to mention that I could go down and get ass whenever I felt like it. But now, she's got a boyfriend. And I can't do that anymore. At least, I don't think I can.

Curtis is in Sharon's room, as usual, Melody's out getting trashed as usual, and I'm sitting in the room, feeling fucking lonely as ever. I've got to find some real friends. Not assholes who ditch me whenever another opportunity comes up. Eric is my best friend, I think, because he would never let Karen get in the way of our friendship. I'm going to start hanging out with him a lot more, and get drunk with him, and get high with him, I don't give a fuck anymore. I used to think I could get through life without substances, but in the situation I'm in, I feel like it's the only way.

I'm also going to take advantage of any "pussy opportunity" (as Jamie so eloquently put it) I can find. I'm going to work Heidi until I can get something from her. I'm going to talk to Raechel and ask for one last romp or something like that. I'm going to go down to New Orleans and treat my dick to anything I can get.

Why was I fighting these urges before? To be respected by my peers? Fuck no. If anything, this kept me ostracized. Because of my own personal morals and the way I was raised? No again. If anything, I should have hit the bottle long ago with all the shit I went through. Because I fear I'll die a horrible death? Bingo.

All my life, I've been scared to live out of fear I might die. Horror movies, rollercoasters, beer, drugs, sex--I shied away because I wanted a life in which I lived long and things just went my way. But I now realize that it doesn't work. I was seen as the sensitive guy that all the girls could talk to and tell their problems to and then walk away whenever they felt like it to go fuck their boyfriend. Through this, I still kept a smile on my face and got through it, because I thought in the back of my mind that I would find someone that gave a fuck about me. But it doesn't work. Chicks want an asshole to tell them what to do and make them feel like shit themselves. And I was never up to the task. Sure, they could complain about their boyfriends to me, but they would never consider going with me

And I've had it. I'm fed up. I've reached my tolerance level and I don't want to live cautiously anymore. It doesn't work. Fact is, Raechel still wants me and I can use that to my advantage. No, Curtis is not going to hang out with us, because Raechel is not a friend. She is only a body to me. Yes, this seems incredibly harsh, but I am in the worst fucking mood right now after everything that's unfolded.

I HAVE NOWHERE TO TURN.

My room, Raechel, home, Melody, the rowers, fuck--I can't go anywhere. Instead, I'm locked inside my room at 3 AM with no one, and no one thinking about me. Next year might be a little better if we can live with the 6 other guys because we can party and I can feel wanted again.

Because that's all I'm really looking for. Despite this harsh macho rant, all I'm really looking for is a girl to hold close and make out with and have sex with, knowing that she's enjoying it just as much as me. Or a guy or girl to just chill with, and talk realistically and cut all the bullshit with, and really feel a connection to. Even if for one night (either of the two scenarios). That should hold me over for a little while. I don't care who it's with. But at this point in my life, I am going insane trying to find someone that fits either of these two criteria. If I can make out or have sex with Heidi, then afterwards feel really comfortable and just talk, speaking deeply and meaningfully and not holding back for anything, then she is the one for me.

Curtis is simply entertainment to me at this point. We're still friends, but I can't tell him how I really feel about anything. About my feelings towards Sharon. If I told him that Sharon annoyed the shit out of me and that I really would rather him just room with her or dump her ass instead of pining me and trying to balance us--if I said that, it would destroy everything. I'm in the Chasing Amy situation, except I don't love Curtis as Banky loved Holden. So, I can't express my true feelings around Curtis, which kills our friendship, because that's what friendship is all about.

Tomorrow, I'm going to really talk to Heidi, and cut the bullshit, and next time I'm home, I'm going to try like hell to get somewhere with her. And I'll explain to her my exact intentions, which aren't a bad thing no matter how much society would tell me they are.

So, I can't be real with Curtis, so he's ruled out as a great friend. With Melody, many times I see her as a spoiled rich brat. She gets this bitchy attitude toward me anytime I'm friendly to her, and it's only when I act indifferent and like an asshole to her that she will be friendly to me. It's like there's someone limiting how nice we can be to each other, so someone has to be an ass and someone the person trying to be nice.

With my thoughts on Curtis, I can't be real totally with Melody, because she'll tell Sharon and it will get back to Curtis. So, that rules her out.

I really thought I had a connection with Ronnie, but she forgot about me and now acts incredibly phony whenever I talk to her, which is hardly ever. She spends her time in Union City, getting drunk and cheating on Daniel. Good for her.

As far as Eric, he is a great friend, and probably my best friend as of now. I can tell him about Curtis, and he won't judge me or go blabbing. He would respect my relationship with Heidi, if I were to have one, even if he didn't quite like it. I would drop plans with Heidi at the drop of a hat to hang out with him, because I know he would return the favor. He's one person I can chill and be real with, without ego or personal bias getting in the way. In fact, I'm gonna see if I can go home next weekend and just stay at his house or something, since I fucking hate it at home.

So, as far as friends here go, I can't be real close with anyone because of my current feelings regarding Curtis and Sharon, so I'll always be holding back (although I'll try and let it out subtly, as I mapped out not so long ago). As far as home goes, Eric is a great friend, but I can find more people to fit either the sex criterion or the friend criterion if I look hard enough.

I just want to belong, which may lead to me eventually getting a meaningful job or joining some organization or something where my talent and creativity won't go to waste.

So, outlook of the moment is: live life without holding back. Get trashed, get laid, get friends, and do everything you were scared to do while you still can. Just be careful.