Woulda been huge a year ago...

So I'm hearing rumors that Alicia and Dan broke up. Sandi saw him making out with another chick and Eric says he sees Dan by himself all the time at Shop Rite. So, what does all this mean to me?

I'm not really sure.

Of course, last year, I would have gone nuts with excitement, confusion, and strategy to try and get with her, but a year later, I hesitate to call.

Maybe it's because I saw too much of her over the course of the year and slowly grew disinterested. Maybe it's because I'm not really big into the punk rock lifestyle anymore, and that was the reason she was so high on my infatuation gauge before. Or maybe I started to become embarrassed around her, which was epitomized when she wore the colonial dress to lunch. It also could be the "wan what I can't have" mentality that seems to be the story of my life so far.

But despite the reason behind it, I still do kind of miss her. I mean, my feelings for her have faded a LOT, but I still appreciate her natural beauty which doesn't need make-up, her open and genuine personality, and her giving nature. These were the things that drew me to her and made me mildly obsessed with her. All of senior year, my infatuation turned me into a bumbling idiot, and kept me from being interested in any other girls. She consumed my thoughts and was at the center of my life for those months. And the fact that she was taken and in a very long term relationship only left me frustrated with life and jaded on girls.

But oh, how I've grown. Despite the fact that I now have a chance with her, and should probably seize that opportunity toot-sweet, I won't. Actually, let me rephrase that. I'm going to call her next opportunity and just talk to talk. If she mentions her and Dan's break-up (if it actually happened in the first place), be sympathetic to her and show disappointment. But I can't let myself fall like a brick again. I don't want to get hurt anymore. Because I had so much pent up frustration that I was beginning to feel very bitter and alone. And that's a terrible feeling.

I want to instead continue feeling love and live my life the way I want. I'm bound to get hurt at times, I'll accept that fact, but I won't let it consume my every aspect of life the way it did a year ago.

I mean, I have a lot of loosely defined, barely stronger than hanging-from-a-thread relationships right now with the opposite sex. Heidi's a friend, or maybe even an acquaintance, right now. She's got a guy she doesn't even like and another she wants to be with. Yet, she still shows an effort to want to see me or talk to me once in a while. Christina's busy trying to live up her summer, which I guess means not really being comfortable with any set group of friends, but going out and always meeting new people. She also is still very closely attached to her ex-boyfriend, which is understandable. I think she's where I was a year ago, trying to hang out with as many people and do as many things as possible in the summer before college. But I think she'll soon be where I am now, seeking comfort to achieve satisfaction instead of always being on the move. Quantity isn't any substitute for quality, especially with friends and relationships. I'll definitely take 1 night hanging with Eric, Matt, Craig, and Jackson over a week of Courtneys, Murphy's and random parties. Sure, it may sound a lot less exciting, but it makes me happy, and that's all I really care about.

Also, I think I've got Afton on my jock, so maybe I'll hang out with her after I'm done working.

But back to my point. Alicia, as much of a goddess I once saw her as, is simply another option for me now. If I choose to pursue something, I won't go in with all my heart, because that's when I get hurt. I'm jut going to befriend her once again, and if anything seems to happen, I'll just ake it slowly as it comes.

No fuss, no muss.