10/13/05 - Time to vent, old-fashined style.

No more bullshit editing in the blog so I don't hurt feelings. Time to get it all out and all down, even if it is 12:30 and I have work tomorrow.

She told me she is going to wait for me. She gives up on dating and has no intentions of being with anyone but me. I'm "the one" for her, and she doesn't want anyone else, even if I've told her that I can't be in a relationship with her.

Ultimately, it looks like I'm the one keeping her around, because I won't date any other girls, and I won't tell her that it's over for good.

I'm trying to be honest with myself here. When she comes over and says "I'm leaving at 6", I start looking at the clock and I start counting down the hours until she leaves. Why? Maybe I don't enjoy the time we spend together anymore. It feels like there's always something better I could be doing than hanging out with her, because I don't feel like I like the person I am when I'm with her. I feel uncomfortable, and sad, and feel like I share nothing in common with her. We went through the hard part already, and now it feels like I have an out and I want to take it.

I still don't feel like I've even had any time to miss her. She's constantly IMing me, telling me to update LJ, texting me, emailing me, calling me--it never ends. So what do I do? What will ultimately make me happy?

I think I'd be happiest with another girl. Someone that understands ALL sides of me, including my fun ("obnoxious") side. I feel like I kept too much bottled up when we dated, and that led to me not really being myself. She fell in love with just a part of me, not the whole thing. When she saw those extra sides, the parts that make me fully rounded, she hated them and started shooting them down, because it didn't fit into her idealized image of me.

I can't go back into it. Like Matt told me, once you've put that much effort and sacrificed that much time into a relationship, and it blows up in your face, you never feel the same way about that girl.

Thing is, beyond her finding individuality, beyond her smothering me, beyond all of that there was a simple truth that is now completely obvious--she never respected my needs. And she still doesn't.

I needed to have the freedom to hang out with friends. She only granted that sometimes, and usually she'd call to put a downer on the night anyways.

I enjoy sports. She made sure that I dreaded Sundays, because it was always about HER. Her day, her happiness, her life. I was just there for the ride.

And I sacrificed so much. While you're in the relationship, you sacrifice and it all seems justified. Don't want to shake shit up too much. Law of inertia, I suppose. Once something starts moving, it keeps moving, and it'll wreck smaller things in its way just to keep moving. But when it's stopped it takes a lot of force to get it moving again. Usually, that force is a mutual attraction, finding things in common, enjoying each others' company, missing each other--the ball starts rolling--then going on dates, getting physical with each other, having deeper conversations--ball rolls faster--meet each others' families, friends, plan things together, act together--ball almost feels like it can't be stopped.

Until, the break-up. Something stupid comes along and all of a sudden it all comes out. What she doesn't like about you, what you don't like about her, why you can't agree on anything--ball slows down--an insult, yelling at each other, putting each other down, feelings of guilt, anger, confusion--ball is nearly stopped--and all this force going the wrong way finally stops the ball and now it needs that force from way back when to get it rolling again.

Lucy's ball never stopped. It might have slowed down, but she still feels like the relationship kept going through the breaking up-hate each other-"friendship"-stages.

Mine's stopped. It's dead. The only way it can possibly be resurrected is if I get those feelings again, which I don't have. I have lingering feelings about Lucy herself, because I still do love and care for her, and I do want the best for her. But as for the relationship? I don't think I can ever get that ball to start rolling again. I'll be going into the relationship with too many doubts and too many questions, and I can't just rely on faith to put me through it.

I think I need to at least experience life with another girl to see if I feel like my ball is rolling or if looking back with fond memories of Lucy would do it.

Right now, it won't budge, and all the guilt trips and all the time of Lucy waiting in the world won't get it to move again.