But this time, it's more of a numbness. Because I can't blame her for being upset that her mother's not going to be home for xmas and that her family is in the middle of a fight and all the shit surrounding her right now. I can't defend myself when she says that xmas has lost all meaning and implies that I'm sort of a part of all of that. I have to just sit and reflect on my life and what is meaningful to me, and hope that those are the same values that are meaningful to Lucy.
My family is important. I know that the traditions we uphold on xmas are very materialistic and consumer-driven, and that's why there's such an empty feeling when the day is over and all the new crap we just bought is put away. I don't need any of that, personally. It is nice to get things and to play with new stuff and wear new clothes and all of that, but ultimately, I just want to spend time with the people I love. It's not a long list. Basically, it consists of all of the people with which I've gotten to know and made some sort of deeper connection. My mom, sister, uncle, aunt, cousins, grandma, and god bless his soul, my grandpa. That's it as far as family. I mean, I like my more extended family--the A's, the McD's, etc., but I don't love them.
Lucy is someone I love, because she has gotten closer to me than anyone else in my life. She's the only person I've ever told my little secret to, although I'm sure she's not the only one that knows. She's someone that I see myself marrying, but only after we both mature into competent and understanding adults. We're still kids right now, because we still don't know exactly how to make things run smoothly. Hell, we haven't even stepped into the real world yet. We have a lot of life to still experience and a lot of growing up to do before we decide to settle down and become one in the eyes of God.
Finally, there's my friends. I can only say that I love 4 people out of all the friends I have. Curtis, Eric, Matt, and Craig. Everyone else is cool, but I don't see myself ever being as open with them as I am with these 4. I don't know if love is the proper word, because it's a different feeling than with Lucy, but then again my love for Lucy is obviously different than my love for my family, so the word to me just means a deeper closeness and understanding, which can vary depending on who it's with.
Anyways, back to xmas. I'm sure it's been said a million times before, but the consumer mentality is at an all-time high during this season. From outdoing the neighbors xmas lights to having the nicest tree to buying the best gifts--it doesn't end. I enjoy giving gifts, and I'm glad xmas allows me to buy things for people, but its that obligation that's disturbing. When I go to the uncle's for that day, and the cousins are just all over the place with all their freshly bought stuff, still with the stickers and tags on them, surrounding the house, I can't help but feel like I'm betraying my own beliefs. Deep down, I hate capitalism in all its forms, and the competition and materialism it breeds during the xmas season should be tops on my list for what I'm against, but instead its all-encompassing reach grabs me and turns me into the ultra-capitalist for the weeks, constantly thinking and feeling like I must buy things for people or else I'm not a true friend, or true loving family member, or true boyfriend. In the end, I'm sort of satisfied with getting presents that reflect what I know about the people I love and what I share in common with them. I just wish I could do this more often and without being forced to spend certain quotas of money. I can't believe I was talking about how I got my "base shopping" out of the way and strategizing on what I need to get and for who, etc.
Why should a storebought gift be worth all that much more than a visit home, or an hour spent together talking, or hanging out together, or cooking dinner, or making a gesture that you recognize what I'm feeling and you're making an attempt to empathize. All these things are worth so much more than some object that's going to collect dust in my room for the next year. But they're not valued, because they don't have a price tag on them.
I'll say this. My soul feels like it's satisfied when I can just sit and talk from the heart with someone without all the bullshit posturing that's usually involved. That's a gift. That's the best gift I could ever receive. Being able to talk throughout the night and reach certain levels of deepness without resorting to bullshit distractions like the internet or TV to fill our surface desires and keep us from thinking at all.
All I want for xmas is to be able to find new levels of understanding and for my soul to be filled. All the toys and clothes in the world aren't going to fill this void. It takes a little more effort. Not just putting out fires here and there and hoping everyone likes me. I mean deep spiritual understanding and acceptance of my life.
But I guess it's a lot easier to buy each other shit and never say a meaningful word to each other.
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