The spark has faded? I find myself itching for the freedoms of single life and maybe I want that loneliness and sense of wonder and confusion again. I find myself at once bored and frustrated with our relationship more often than not.
Her antics used to be amusing, now they are frustrating. It's a constant stream of insecurity that I can't handle. We've been on the phone with each other for about 7 hours now, because she can't live without me being on the phone. I almost can't take it.
I can't just live life avoiding fighting. Maybe we're too different? I like sports, she likes fashion. I like good music, she likes pop radio fluff. I enjoy reading about our world, she reads tabloids. I'm not into really anything she's into. And vice-versa. What could we possibly do together for the next 60-70 years? Fuckit, how about the next 5 years? The next year?
Some more: I'm very loyal to my friends, she has no real friends to speak of besides me.
Is it possible we're doomed to fail?
Will she ever accept me for who I am? That's the real question. Because outside of all of our clashing interests and different personalities, I NEED her to accept me for who I am. Everything about me. She needs to understand me at a deeper level. Realize that I love being with her, but I also need my alone time and time with other friends. Realize that I enjoy some things that have nothing to do with her, and not because I don't love her, but because that was me BEFORE I met her, and who I will continue to be.
I'm not the guy she idealizes me as. If she wants someone out of a movie who acts like a Prince Charming, then she's in for a real disappointment.
I need someone who will give me enough breathing room so that I can still be my own person. I know she needs a lot of support and nearly round-the-clock supervision, and I'm really trying to do that, but I can't ALWAYS be on hand and foot for her. Hell, sometimes *I* need support myself.
The only way we're gonna have a real future is if she realizes who I am and accepts it. Right now, she doesn't realize it. She's still captivated by that idealized image she has of me and she's disappointed/hurt/angry any time I act in a way that betrays that image of me.
...Like now. We find a way to get in a fight for ANY reason. "Eric fell and hurt his shoulder". Her: "That seems like an injury that would happen to someone older". Me: "Well, he fell on it, who knows how he hurt it." Her: Find, defend him all you want" *click*
What the fuck? The whole night, ruined now. Because supposedly I used a "tone" that was inappropriate. Fuck this, I'm so tired of constantly defending myself. It's 3:20 AM and we're fighting over bullshit. It never ends. Once again, two things causing a fight: me having friends outside of Lucy, and her image of me as the type that understands everything she says on first listen shattered. It comes down to the fact that she feels like I put them first. Anything I say that could possibly question what she meant comes off as "defending" them to her.
She WILL realize she was wrong, and she WILL apologize to me. If not tonight, then tomorrow morning, or tomorrow afternoon.
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