6/23/05 - And we were doing so well, too.

First, I sat behind her and kissed her, and she turned me away for having coffee breath. A little frustrating, but I swallowed it and relaxed. Then, instead of watching the finals, I decide to watch her movie on TV, which apparently got her horny, but I was in no mood after putting it out of my head for the day. I just was content laying there with her and relaxing watching her movie.

Of course, this sparks resentment because she must have felt rejected and instead of communicating to me what she wanted she pats my pants, puts my hand on her boob and wants me to instantly get turned on. Then after I'm not turned on, she pushes me away like a spoiled brat and refuses to talk to me for the rest of the night.

Now, the weekend is of course ruined, I still don't have a job, and my girlfriend hates me because I wasn't in the mood to fool around for the last 10 minutes while she was here.

It's always on HER time. Never on mine. I make sacrifices. I make compromises. I do everything I possibly can to make her feel happy and supported. No matter what's going on in my life, her problems are always more important. I'm not a mind reader. I can't tell when she's feeling a certain way. I can't understand the way she acts sometimes.

We went nearly a month without fighting. It may have been the best month of our relationship since the first few months, when we used to just act like best friends. That's no longer the case. Now, if something in my life doesn't involve her, she's completely against it. She doesn't want to think of my point of view anymore. If she doesn't get her way, she has no problem ruining my weekend. She will maliciously tear down all the things that make me happy--friends, activities, hobbies, interests--anything that doesn't involve her front and center.

She is without a doubt the hardest girl to please that I ever met. And something as simple as me not wanting to go beyond just holding her in my arms and automatically--"I'm nauseous", "get away", "I need to sit by myself", etc...

I think she likes to escape reality--and I'm her quickest route to that escape. She wants instant gratification at the snap of her fingers, almost literally, but she doesn't take my state of mind into account. I try to hug her, kiss her, and just make her feel beautiful and loved. I do my best to just gauge how she's feeling. Her response tonight when I tried it? "I would do it if you didn't have coffee breath".

Immediate turn-off there. Ok, you're obviously not in the mood. It's okay, I'm used to not getting my way. It's not something I base my judgment or you on. Lets move on and you can use the internet and look at your sites, then we can go to eat where you want to go, watch what you want to watch on TV, go study where you want to study, etc. And I don't complain about a single bit of it. All I ask in return is that once in a while, you let me keep in contact with a few of my close friends. I cut my fringe friends off a long time ago, they're completely out of my life. Paul, Fat Mike, any potential new friend--I don't have time for these people. And that's fine. I would much rather have you in my life than a bunch of acquaintances I hang out with here and there. But I would like to keep somewhat of a friendship with the rest of my friends. My real friends. Curtis, Eric, Craig, Matt, Dan, and Courtney. If I can keep a friendship there and still keep you as the dominant relationship in my life, I would be very very happy.

Now her phone is off and I'm probably not talking to her till Saturday. That's just great.