...or that I don't treat her right or I don't do enough to make her happy. That sounds awful, but it's the truth. I can't even think of a day where we don't get into even a little argument and I'm stuck wondering what I did wrong. I didn't look at her long enough. I didn't seem interested in her celebrity gossip. I didn't want to sleep with her on the phone. Etc, etc.
I'm trying to keep 2 very basic facts in mind as we enter 2 1/2 years and beyond.
1- I'm not doing anything wrong. Sure, there will be times I say the wrong thing or fail to appreciate something, and I'll apologize when I know I'm wrong. But most of the time, our fights come out of her mood. If she dreads going into work the next day, then anything short of keeping the phone glued to my ear while I sit in solitary in my room is abandonment. If I hang out with my friends, then I'm just refusing to accept that I've grown up and grown beyond them. If I'm going to a bar, I'm going to hit on girls and forget Lucy ever existed. But I have to keep in mind that these are normal things that a 23 year old kid does. He still has friends. He still enjoys going to bars. He likes to get out of the house and have fun every once in a while. And it doesn't mean he loves his girl any less. She's still on his mind the whole time.
So, 2- I have to be happy, too. It's sad that I have to remind myself of this all the time, but I spent so much of the early relationship martyring myself to Lucy in hope that she would see the amount of suffering I was going through and ease up that it backfired on me. Instead of seeing herself as the cause of my suffering, she came to accept that as how it should be. I'm the one that's supposed to be doing all the work, and she's the one that's supposed to be helpless and latch onto me for all her emotional and physical needs. She needs a drink of water, she either starts whining or says "I'm thirsty", as if I'm supposed to jump out of my seat and go grab her a glass of water without hesitation. She'll tell me on the phone "you're going to sleep with me", as if I'm supposed to say "yes ma'am" with no questions asked.
Maybe worst of all, she'll grab my hand and just place it on her shirt over her boob, or she'll just give me a look or place a dead-fish hand over my pants on my crotch as if to say "I'm horny, satisfy me". I will give her credit that she is getting better at that, but she does pick some poor moments to do it. It'll be right after a disturbing movie or in the middle of a TV show I'm into. When that happens I take it less as "I'm horny for you" and more as "I want you to pay attention to ME now". And I don't blame her for being so tight that I can't even fit my finger in her without it hurting, but I'm scared that I'm not gonna be able to get up for it much longer. As much as I love sucking on her nipples and feeling outside her vagina and going down on her (and I DO love those things), the fact is that we can't give each other mutual pleasure that way. It's usually like this: we're doing something completely non-sexual, she'll give me some inane gesture that she wants me to pleasure her (like smacking her lips or one of the above things), I'll kiss her (sometimes she'll say n ot to mess her make-up or that she only wants me to kiss her boobs--a complete turn-off), then I work my way to her nipples, she gets into it (which I like, but she's wholly focused on herself here), she wants to get on top of my and rub up on my belly while I kiss her nipples (which, visually is very sexy, but physically does absolutely NOTHING for me. Actually, a lot of times we do this after we eat, and my stomach is full, so I have to try to suppress the amount of pain it causes me and just hope she comes soon), then she comes, lays there half asleep for a few moments, and relaxes. At this point, any amount of horniness I had has really faded, because even though she is very sexy throughout, now she's done. I mean, she came and it's over. Usually she'll squeak out "I want YOU to feel good too". And to that I reply "okay?". And she'll say it again, almost feels like she's waiting for me to say "no that's okay, go look at celebrity gossip online while I sit here and let my half-erection turn into a flaccid penis". But I don't say that, because at least maybe I can get a brief amount of pleasure over the guilt I feel for making this girl do something she's not really into now since she already came, but feels obligated to do because of what I did for her. So, I ask which way she feels like. BJ, rub up on her ass, or hand job? I tell her whatever is easiest for her. I don't want to inconvenience her. The least amount of work is me rubbing up on her, so that's a popular choice. BJ's are good (she's really good at them too) but if there's a chance we're going anywhere, she won't want her make-up messed up. And HJ's seem to last too long and I feel guilty that her arm is getting tired.
So, basically what it all comes down to is, don't feel so damn guilty all the time. Think of these 2 giant rules, and relax and enjoy your life. Maybe you'll come to a new understanding, and you'll learn to appreciate her all the more for it. Who knows?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment