8/14/05 - Now that I've had some time to think

And talk it over and get feedback and all of that, I think I'm ready to attempt to map out my feelings like I used to do.

I have the whole fight archived on the computer somehwere, so there's no need to get into the details but for memory's sake: Curtis' wedding shower, I'm mingling with old high school acquaintances, Lucy's off on her own mostly talking to my mom. I try to get her to come over with me, she resents the fact that I don't know her well enough if I have to ask her that, a huge fight ensues. Also tacked onto this fight is the fact that I'm not romantic enough to her and I only do the bare minimum that a boyfriend should do.

So, now we're at a crossroads, but it's a little awkward. We've tried talking it over. We've tried figuring out how we can repair this problem. I even told her that I'd help her find somebody if she wanted me to. For the time being we're "best friends", but that's all bullshit because best friends don't make each other feel like shit for having a day where one can't really talk because he's in a sort of depressed mood. Anyways, I guess that's our official title. Best friends who happen to have sex, hang out all the time, and still say "I love you" to each other.

Anyways, what's keeping me close to her? Is it nostalgia? Is it a hope that we will still rekindle our love? Is it because I realize I was wrong, and want to change so that we can work our problems out?

Not really. Mostly, I want her to come to the wedding with me on 9/10. Also, I still promised her little cousin I would take her to the kids amusement park. And we sort of feel sorry for each other, so we console each other even though WE'RE THE ONES WHO PUT OURSELVES IN THIS MESS in the first place.

I want her to go through her test and pass it. I want her to get a job she loves in a hospital with great people and have a successful career. I want her to find self-confidence, in both her looks and her mind. I want her to be happy in her love life.

All these things keep me close to her. I realize that a lot of her self-worth is invested in me, and I know that if I were to just ditch out on her now, that she wouldn't have a leg to stand on, because I'm holding her up right now. If I'm away from her for ONE DAY, let alone the rest of her life, she panics and tells me she feels abandoned.

Lets play a scenario game.

#1 - I go back to her right away

The same problems persist. I ignore them or we fight about them. But, she has somewhere to go, I'm not lonely and full of guilt (at least not completely), and I get to see her cousin and have someone that loves me (or at least wants me around) for holidays, days where I'm by myself, and for things where it's nice to have a girlfriend. It probably won't last, and I'll just get older and we'll have to deal with these problems much later. She'll just be more bitter. She probably passes her test.

#2 - I break if off completely right away

She becomes devastated and can't stand on her own two feet. She absolutely detests me, I never see her or her cousin again, I'm alone at the wedding, I'm riddled with guilt because someone I loved so dearly now hates me and her cousin/her mom both resent me for what I've done. She fails her test, blames me for everything that went wrong the past 3 years and for everything that will go wrong in the future. I feel like the biggest asshole on earth, and it starts to hit me that I'm now regressing to sophomore year of college when I felt like I would be alone forever and could never find someone. I spend a lot of time in my room, since my roommates aren't really friends of mine and all have gfs. I'm even more insecure about not finding a job and all, because girls don't want a bum. I start to bemoan the fact that I gave up on a girl who loves me despite my shortcomings and fear that I'll never find a girl again who would be so excited to see me and make me feel that good about myself when she's around.

#3 - We stay in limbo for a while longer

There's more awkward conversations where she talks about us being friends, but obviously wanting to jump right back into the relationship again, while I sort of push it back even more. She focuses on her test, and we continue having sex at random intervals. She says that she is flirting with guys, but if you came even close to flirting with a girl, she'd flip out. I get to see her cousin more, and there are days where me and Lucy are very good, but in the end it seems like we're just prolonging the inevitable.

So, those are my options. I'm sticking with option #3 for the time being, just because it's comfortable and I don't feel like rocking the boat yet. Unless she really matures during this and really starts to love herself and stay happy with herself, I just can't see us getting back together. We just have too many conflicts, can't coexist peacefully, share very little in common, and are just too volatile. I'm not someone she would want to be friends with if I didn't let her do everything she wanted when she came here, we don't communicate well at all, I make all the sacrifices while she uses me as an escape for her life, and she hasn't quieted her own personal demons yet, so I'm just distracting her from that.