8/19/04 - What's left?

I suffered my first panic attack of my life tonight when Lucy told me that she had been lying to me for the past two years and that she didn't love me and doesn't even care about me. She then later took it back and said that she was just saying those things to intentionally hurt me, which might just confirm it even more.

She really is selfish. It's not enough that I spend every waking moment worry about her and hoping she won't be mad at me for one reason or another, but she wants me to take every moment she's there and ignore every other thing going on in my life. The incredibly scary part of all this is that I saw elements of Kelly in her tonight. And I don't know if that's something I can change. This is what happens when she doesn't get her way. If she sees it doesn't hurt me, she goes for the jugular and says or does anything possible to break me down.

After tonight's display, I really have to think to myself -- is this the girl I see myself spending the rest of my life with? Can someone really love me if they don't ever want me to be happy outside of things only we do together? I go out of my way to take her out to eat, go to the mall, help her study, get out of work early, lock ourselves like hermits in my room, be as antisocial as possible, and keep no more than a basic acquaintance relationship with my friends and family just so she knows she's front and center in my life and that she comes before anything else. Nothing is good enough for her when it comes to me having to take care of certain things.

The first time we broke up, it was because I had to study and couldn't talk very long that night. The second time we broke up, it was because I didn't talk to her that night and was talking to my uncle, aunt, grandma, and cousins, who I hadn't seen in some time. The third time we (unofficially) broke up, it was--fuck, I don't even really remember why, but it was something similar, because our solution was to back up a little bit and give each other space.

I don't even know what to write about or what to focus on. My mind is such a fucking mess right now, and once again all plans are ruined because of this. I was really looking forward to being able to finally spend the night with her tomorrow. Now that's shot. I was excited about going to this wedding with her on Sept 4th. That looks bleak now. She was supposed to go to a Bachelorette party tomorrow night. That most likely won't happen.

All because I wanted to see if my roommates needed help moving anything. She flipped the fuck out. Stopped talking to me. Insisted I get out at my house so she could drive home. Told me she didn't want to come over tomorrow. And, eventually, her telling me that she never loved me and that our whole relationship was a lie.

My one dictum I love by is that you don't TRULY know somebody until you've been through a moment of crisis with them. And I think I really saw the true Lucy today. Selfish, bitter, and willing to do anything possible to hurt me. Is this the girl who I want to one day be the mother of my children? Someone who brings me down to the point where I'll have a panic attack just because I choose to see if my roommates need help moving instead of hide away with her for the rest of the night?

She told me she needed me tonight. But why? Why couldn't she sit there like an adult and tell me what we needed to talk about?Why does everything come out during fights?

We have zero communication about why she acts the way she does or feels the way she feels. I just have to brace myself for the backlash when shit goes down, because I can never predict it. How can someone who is laid back about just about everything else in my life go on to one day have a panic attack? I handled so much shit up to this point in my life, but Lucy has broken me down to a weak, [illegible] nub. She is manipulative and out to hurt me, and I just keep going back for more.

I just wanted to get through this wedding. We had our ups and downs this summer, but I always thought that we'd be okay come September. But when she goes out of her way to blatantly hurt me, how am I supposed to react? Should I forgive and forget without a second guess? Do I ask her if we can talk about it?

I think we have to talk and be clear that something like what happened tonight can NEVER take place again. Ever. She has got to realize what our limits are and never cross certain lines. You NEVER tell someone you're supposed to love that you don't love them just to break them down and make them cry. This was an argument over me not being there when she needs me, even though I spent all of Sunday and all of Wednesday night helping her study for her finals, and from 4:45 to 9:30 spending time with her after work and helping her pick out a skirt for tomorrow's party.

There are far deeper issues that I can't resolve here. I don't know the healthiest way to deal with them, outside of therapy, because it is blatantly obvious that she has a mental illness. Something is wrong with her if we can't share an honest, open relationship. Instead, this relationship is based on her leaning all her body weight on me and me doing everything I can to keep her standing while with the other hand balancing school, work, friends, family, roommates, etc... Sometimes I need to use my other hand to balance these things, and Lucy falls down.

The key to this is not to keep my hand on her at all times, but for her to learn to stand on her own. At that point, she can choose whether or not she wants to be a part of my life, or walk on her own and choose someone else.

Only when she WANTS to be with me (as opposed to NEEDING to be with me) can this relationship truly grow beyond the very little progress we've made so far.