Sometimes when I have too much to balance out, I schedule things like they are jobs, even if I enjoy doing them. Looking back on my old journals from high school, I did that even back then because it was the only way to keep my mind organized and not forget about the things I'd rather not be doing (like moving). I like to get the shit I don't like out of the way so I can enjoy the things I like to do.
Whether it's an exam or paper, or if it's moving all the shit out of my house, until that job is done it just weighs on my mind and I can't fully enjoy anything else.
The mistake I made was making it seem like the work we did together, helping you study and shopping for your skirt, was enough and that the REALLY important stuff now had to be done. That is not the case.
I wanted to hang out with you and relax more than anything else, but as you could probably tell while we were shopping, that burden of having to go home and move all my shit was weighing on my mind and knowing my other roommates were getting it done without my help just made me feel worse. I wish that I could just turn off that feeling, but I couldn't, and the fact that I was going to be able to hang out with you all day today and after work on Saturday made me feel like I had a reward for all the hard work I had to do.
If you know me, you know I'm always trying to plan for the future. When I have a big paper to write, I always say the same thing to myself to help me get through it-- "after tomorrow, I'll be able to relax and enjoy myself". That thought that no matter what happens right now, it will all be over by a certain time is the only thing that keeps me going.
But this time it involved you. And instead of explaining to you everything that was going through my head, I just assumed you understood and I was very cold and harsh in how I put things. I didn't take into account the fact that you had just come from a horrible week of finals and clinicals and that you just wanted to relax right then, and right there.
I know that you live more for the present and I live more for the future, and that difference is what the main cause of this argument was. I consoled myself by saying that tomorrow and Saturday is going to more than make up for all the shit I have to do now. The way I acted it out, though, is that I just brushed you aside because I put in my hours with you, and now it's time for more important things. I know you're all about the here and now, and I don't blame you for that, it's just how you are.
You were right to get mad at me for acting that way, because I wasn't making an effort to see your side of the story. I couldn't possibly understand why you were getting mad, because I felt like I had done the right thing and didn't realize that you needed me at that very moment to help you wind down and make the transition to relax for the next few days. I thought of your life through my eyes, and I knew that if I had just finished finals and were to have the next 2 weeks off, and I could sleep over your house tomorrow and see you--
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